Enneagram Childhood Wounds

Posted on April 30, 2024April 30, 2024 by DrToni

Enneagram Childhood Wounds (A 3-point guide)

: 07/10/2024

In this article, we will look at the childhood wounds of eatch enneagram type. This article also explores the covert messages each enneagram type received which influenced their personality.

Here are the Childhood Wounds of each Enneagram type:

Enneagram Type 1: Hypercriticism
Enneagram Type 2: People Pleasing and Self Sacrifice
Enneagram Type 3: Worthlessness
Enneagram Type 4: Abandonment Wound
Enneagram Type 5: Lack of Affection/ Intimacy
Enneagram Type 6: Lack of Safety
Enneagram Type 7: Lack of Nurturance
Enneagram Type 8: Lack of Vulnerability
Enneagram Type 9: Neglect

Enneagram Type 1: Hypercriticism

Enneagram One as children felt harshly criticized, punished, or inadequate. It’s possible that the household rules were incongruent. As a result, they grew preoccupied with being perfect and avoided making mistakes in order to escape being judged. “You should always strive to be better than you really are,” was the main theme.

Ones felt estranged from the protective figure in their lives as kids. Based on the circumstances of their house, this may have been the mother or the father. This can indicate that the parent they expected to be powerful and protective was instead hostile and abusive. It could also indicate that the parent was preoccupied, unreasonable, strict, or overly demanding.

In this way, Enneagram Type Ones who faced hypercriticism, grow up to become hypercritical of themselves.

Enneagram Type 2: Self Sacrifice and People Pleasing

These children only experienced love if they were serving or satisfying others; their own needs seemed selfish. As a consequence, they tuned in to others’ needs and wants rather than their own. Love came to be described as the act of giving to others, even when the love was not always returned.

Twos aspire to be needed by others. In a child, this may manifest as The Two helping younger siblings with domestic chores or taking on parental tasks to make their lives smoother while also earning their family’s respect and admiration. They believe that by being responsible and nurturing, they can eventually win the love which most children accept as normal.

Enneagram Type 3: Worthlessness

To the heart of the matter – These children believed that they were only recognized for what they did and how well they did it. Their feelings were dismissed and neglected; all that mattered was their accomplishment and what was demanded of them. Their capacity to love themselves and others was impaired as a result of this. Genuine love was replaced with admiration.

Threes suffered with the pestering thought that their genuine selves were unworthy or unimportant. They secretly feared that if people realised who they truly were, they would be rejected or abandoned. So they attempted to look perfect, smile pleasantly, and obtain awards or honors to deflect attention from their true selves.

Enneagram Type 4: Abandonment Wound

Fours as children felt abandoned by their caregivers. They felt isolated from the source of affection for reasons they couldn’t comprehend. They didn’t feel “seen” or heard, and they didn’t feel like their parents. As a response, to deal with abandonment, they retreated inward to their feelings and fantasies.

Fours desire to discover their identities because they believe it will relieve them of the feelings of sadness that have afflicted them their entire lives.

Many Fours fantasise about encountering someone who will fully accept them for who they truly are. They aspire to find that bond in a friend or romantic relationship because they felt so estranged from their family as children.

Enneagram Type 5: Lack of Affection/ Intimacy

Caregivers did not provide meaningful engagement, feelings, or love to these children. Alternatively, the child may have had a prying, overbearing parent who made them feel judged and powerless in the face of this intrusion. As a response, they erected barriers around themselves and withdrew into their imaginations.

Fives shut themselves off from the outer world and their family. They would often lock themselves up in their rooms, searching for a topic or field of expertise that would allow them to find a niche in their families or society. This was a one-of-a-kind field of expertise for them.

Enneagram Type 6: Lack of Safety

Sixes were reared in an unstable environment with no safe haven. They had lost hope that they would ever be safe. As a result, they resorted to their own internal defence of denying reality and dismissing their own instincts/inner direction.

In order to receive approval from guardian figures, the Six ignored their own inner self. They believe that with enough help, they might be able to feel comfortable and self-sufficient. They feel cut off from their own inner wisdom and in an endeavour to discover their “tribe,” they can be cordial or confrontational. They are obsessed with determining the “best” plan of action.

Enneagram Type 7: Lack of Nurturance

These children were either deprived of nurturing or had been taken away too soon. They dealt with this lack by looking for ways to divert themselves from the anxiety and sorrow. They chose to focus on good possibilities and depend on themselves to achieve their goals and feel nurtured.

Sevens learnt to cope with this by focusing on “transitional items,” or toys and hobbies that would fill the void inside. They acquired the subliminal message that they needed to take care of themselves because no one else could. As a result, they’d seek for distractions, hobbies, opportunities, and things that would pique their interest and keep them occupied.

Enneagram Type 8: Lack of Vulnerability

These children frequently grew up in dangerous emotional or physical settings and had to mature far too quickly. They may have felt restrained since they didn’t feel secure to display any sensitivity. Because their vulnerability was utilised against them, they concentrated solely on increasing their toughness.

They are often bold and adventurous children, and as a consequence, they were routinely punished. They decide to adopt an air of indifference and dogged determination in order to protect their mind from these recurrent punishments. They will dwell in continual fear of rejection and abandonment if they had an abusive upbringing in some manner.

Enneagram Type 9: Neglect

To the very core of their being., these children felt worthless or “lost” because they were forgotten or neglected. They were neglected or assaulted for having needs or asserting themselves (particularly anger), so they chose to stay under the radar and concentrate on the needs and problems of others.

Imagine a child wearing headphones and playing games while their parents fought in this other room. They fantasise about happier times, attempt to block out their anxieties and fear, and divert their attention away from their own emotions.

Nines have a tough time distinguishing their own feelings from those of others since they are so attached to the people they love. Instead of creating their own distinct identity, they are given a sense of belonging by their parents. It’s as though they’ve been strangled inside their own bodies. They learn to become numb to pain, reject their emotions, and fade into obscurity.

If you’re facing this, it may be a good idea to seek the help of a therapist or other mental health professional. You can find a therapist at BetterHelp who can help you learn how to cope and address it.

Wounding Messages of Each Enneagram Type

Posted on April 30, 2024April 30, 2024 by DrToni

by Enneagram Explained

Learn the wounding messages of each enneagram type and discover which one you have lived your life believing in.

Wounding messages are the thoughts that we have constantly playing in the back of our mind.

Each and every single person will develop a wounding message (sometimes called childhood wounds). We develop these very early on in childhood and they become an inner voice that keeps us from being free.

These (untrue!) wounding messages of each enneagram type are things that we either actually heard or things we perceived to be true as children.

A Note on Wounding Messages for Parents
Please realize that while wounding messages of each enneagram are usually derived from our parents or significant care givers, they may not have actually been inflicted by that adult.

Sometimes it is because the parent put that wound on their child but often times the parent didn’t do anything wrong and the child was just sensitive to that message and perceived it to be true.

You could be a 100% perfect parent and your child will still develop a wounding message.

Your goal is only to try to set them up for success and to help them see early on that those wounding messages are inaccurate.

Type 1’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 1, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to make mistakes.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be wrong” or “It’s not ok to behave badly.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 1’s core desire and core fear.

For a 1 that core desire is to be good/right (aka no mistakes) and the core fear is being bad/wrong (making mistakes).

What type 1s long to hear is “You are good” (or you are good enough).
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 1 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 2’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 2, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to to have your own needs.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be a burden” or “It’s not ok to put your needs first.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 2’s core desire and core fear.

For a 2 that core desire is to be loved/wanted/needed (for who they are, not how they help) and the core fear is being unloved/unwanted/not needed.

What type 2s long to hear is “You are wanted and loved for just being you.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 2 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 3’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 3, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to have your own feelings and identity.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to fail” or “It’s not ok to not work hard.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 3’s core desire and core fear.

For a 3 that core desire is to be valued/admired/successful and the core fear is being not valued/not admired/unsuccessful. They believe that if they have their own feelings or identity they will not be valued/admired.

What type 3s long to hear is “You are loved and valued for simply being you” (the real you; not the mask you wear).
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 3 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 4’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 4, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be too much or not enough.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to not fit in” or “It’s not ok to be so emotional.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 4’s core desire and core fear.

For a 4 that core desire is to be authentic/uniquely themselves/have their own unique identity (aka who they truly are) and the core fear is being inauthentic/not truly themselves/having not identity (fear having to blend in when that’s not who they are).

What type 4s long to hear is “You are seen and loved for who you are.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 4 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 5’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 5, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be comfortable in the world.”

There are other variations of this message such as “You don’t have enough energy/skills to make it here” or “It’s not ok to let your guard down because you won’t be able to handle things competently.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 5’s core desire and core fear.

For a 5 that core desire is to be competent/capable/knowledgable (finding a way to be comfortable in the world) and the core fear is being incompetent/incapable (fearing their needs being a problem for others).

What type 5s long to hear is “Your needs are not a problem.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 5 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 6’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 6, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to trust yourself.”

There are other variations of this message such as “You need to check in with others first” or “It’s not ok to rely on your gut.”

Special Note on 6’s:
6s are unique in that there are two ways a 6 will act out their wounding message (and core fear).
They will either be a phobic 6 in which they depend on authorities and trusted advisors (I can’t trust myself so I will trust in others) or they will be counterphobic and not trust those in authority or advising roles (I can’t trust myself so maybe it’s not actually scary and I should just get over my fear) (counterphobic 6s can look a bit like 8s)

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 6’s core desire and core fear.

For a 6 that core desire is to be secure/supported (their world can be scary since they can’t trust themselves) and the core fear is being without support/without security (without others, they fear they won’t be safe).

What type 6s long to hear is “You are safe and secure.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 6 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 7’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 7, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to depend on others for anything.”

There are other variations of this message such as “Nobody will take care of you” or “You need to do things for yourself.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 7’s core desire and core fear.

For a 7 that core desire is to be content/satisfied (not needing to depend on others) and the core fear is being deprived/trapped in emotional pain (fearing not being able to do/solve it for themselves).

What type 7s long to hear is “You will be taken care of.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 7 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 8’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 8, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be weak” or “Don’t trust others, you’ll only get hurt.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 8’s core desire and core fear.

For a 8 that core desire is to be independent/autonomous/strong (no vulnerability) and the core fear is being controlled/harmed/manipulated (their vulnerability being broken).

What type 8s long to hear is “You will not be betrayed.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 8 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 9’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 9, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to assert yourself.”

There are other variations of this message such as “The needs/feelings of others matters more than yours” or “It’s not ok to rock the boat.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 9’s core desire and core fear.

For a 9 that core desire is to be at peace/harmonious/connected to others (nobody is upset with the 9’s needs/opinions) and the core fear is separations/loss of connection (conflict from asserting themselves).

What type 9s long to hear is “Your presence matters.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 9 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Understanding the wounding messages of each enneagram type can help you break free from your own internal believes and it can help you understand and love others better since you know they carry their own wounding message.

Uncovering Your Common Childhood Wounds by Enneagram Type

Posted on April 30, 2024April 30, 2024 by DrToni

By:

Samantha Mackay

Clinically Reviewed by:Steven Melendy, PsyD.

Our personality is shaped by our childhood experiences. Our personality also shapes how we perceive our childhood while we are a child, and what we remember about it as an adult. If that seems like a mindbender, let me explain.

It is likely that we are born with our personality preferences already in place. It’s tricky to verify but as any mother knows, children emerge into the world with very different personalities.

Now imagine for a moment you are a very young child, somewhere between 6 months to 2 years old. And let’s say, to keep things very simple, you have nine core needs you are subconsciously asking your parents to meet. Your parents are imperfect humans, unable to know exactly what you want and need at every moment. And so, every parent will fail to fulfill every one of their child’s needs. Each failure will be psychologically painful for you as a child.

However, of those nine, you are hypersensitive to one need in particular going unmet. And you will be more strongly shaped by events and experiences that trigger psychic pain around the need you are extra sensitive to.

That also means you remember those events more clearly. They leave a more lasting impact on your psyche; they are memories you are more likely to revisit and events you are more likely to reenact throughout your life.

Which means that when you talk to people of different Enneagram types and ask them to describe their childhood, some common patterns start to emerge. While every childhood is different, and some are far more traumatic than others, our inborn personality type shapes how we see and experience the childhood we have no matter how good or bad.

Here is a brief overview of common elements from each type’s childhood. While you might recognize elements of your own childhood in these descriptions, you might also realize that everyone carries around pain from their childhood, even if it’s not obvious to the people around them.

Enneagram One

The One child was required to take on too much responsibility too soon. They were pressured to do something “correctly” or “perfectly” before they were ready, either physically or psychologically. For example, potty training before they were ready, or having to be the family spokesperson.

The One learnt not to trust or rely on their natural instincts. Instead they found that “being good” was defined by an external authority who regularly informed them they were doing something “the right way.”

To avoid being criticized and seen as “bad”, the One child internalized that critical voice and used it to self-monitor their behavior. They discovered that being “faultless” earned them positive reassurance and acceptance.

Enneagram Two

The Two child realized early on that to stay connected to the people they loved, they had to choose between their own needs and the other person’s needs. And they chose the other person.

The Two child may have had to take care of a caregiver, or were simply told they needed too much. Their caregivers may have been inexperienced or overwhelmed, failing to provide some basic aspects of love and care. While this could include all sorts of basic needs, Twos generally report that it was the early emotional needs they missed the most, like the need to feel recognized and loved unconditionally.

Twos recall repeatedly hearing the message that they were “too much,” “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” This reinforced their sense that their needs were overwhelming for others, so they suppressed their own needs and emotions to be liked.

Instead, they became experts at sensing others’ needs and working out how to meet them. As they grow, they gain approval and affection by being likable and selectively supporting the people they most want to reciprocate love and support in return.

Enneagram Three

Some Threes had well-intentioned parents who praised them for their accomplishments, for what they ‘did’ rather than for who they are. Or they may have been part of a big family and did not receive the attention they needed. So they started performing, finding ways to stand out and get noticed, such as being the family comedian or opera singer.

Some Threes simply lacked parental support and protection. For example, if their father, or father figure, was absent, the Type Three child may have felt the need to step in and fill the gap left by that protective presence.

One way or another, the Three child learns that the path to love and appreciation is through doing and action. And so they become superhuman doers, achieving whatever goals they set for themselves and being impressive in the eyes of others.

Enneagram Four

All children are sensitive to loss. Yet when the Four child experiences actual or perceived loss of love early in life, they blame themselves for it.

It might be that another sibling came along, or another life event simply made the parent less available or completely unavailable. The Four child made sense of this abandonment or deprivation by convincing themselves they somehow caused this. By claiming this loss for themselves, it gave the Four child a way to control the situation.

While rarely true, having a sense of control allows the Four child to believe they can regain what was lost. Hence they strive to prove themselves worthy of love, showing people how special they are, all the while truly believing in their own inadequacy.

Enneagram Five

For whatever reason, the Five’s caregiver was somehow not responsive to their needs. And the Five child felt neglected. Not getting enough of what they needed led them to be self-sufficient, learning to get by on less by retreating into their heads and protecting their meager resources.

Other Fives experienced a sense of invasion or intrusion. Often, they had to deal with other people’s emotional drama or relationships that were too intense. They learnt to withdraw, either emotionally or physically, by detaching from feelings and people.

Fives sought refuge in the private space of their intellect, after they realized that they could not get their needs met through force or seduction. When relationships feel like a threat to their safety, retreating into their intellect seems like the only way to protect themselves.

Enneagram Six

The Six child had a problem with authority, and was often left feeling unprotected by the very person who was meant to protect them. The caregiver may have been unpredictable, unreliable or undependable. For a long time life seemed dangerous on a daily basis, and so the Six concluded the world must be that way too.

An unpredictable caregiver might be an alcoholic, be violent, or have mental health challenges. Or, the Six child may have been raised by a parent who was overly strict with constantly shifting expectations or illogical punishments. Given the unpredictable nature of their environment, the Six child learnt to be constantly on the lookout for small cues that signaled the presence of danger or threat.

They became very skilled at anticipating what was going to happen next so they could be prepared for danger or challenges. Being able to predict when something scary or bad might happen was their way of staying safe and gave the Six child an inner sense of security.

Enneagram Seven

The Seven adult may remember their childhood as being quite rosy, fun or idyllic. But that’s how they want to remember it.

Many Sevens report an event in childhood that shook them out of their playful reverie; where they realized how ill-equipped to face the challenges of life they really were. And so they withdrew to an earlier stage of development where they felt more secure and in control.

For Sevens, this experience of safety comes in the form of positivity. They aim to only feel positive feelings and reframe any negatives in a good light. They focus on whatever feels good to avoid suffering – whether from pain, negative feelings or any other dark experience.

Enneagram Eight

The Eight child had to grow up fast. To them, home was a battleground, where conflict or combat were necessary to survive. Perhaps because of violence, neglect or simply being the youngest or smallest child in a big family, the Eight child saw the need to adopt a tough persona. Whether that was to be stronger, more powerful or protective of others, they let go of their innocence to get by in a world that did not provide love, care or protection to the weak.

The Eight child saw the world as divided into the weak and the strong, and vowed never to be powerless, vulnerable or alone ever again.

Enneagram Nine

The Nine child felt overlooked, not heard or not included. They may have been a middle or younger child and unable to get the attention they needed. Or a quiet voice whose opinion got lost in a sea of loud or forceful voices.

So they learnt to go along to get along, finding ways to blend in and avoid getting upset by wanting what others wanted. They learned to remain calm when what they wanted was dismissed, and simply allowed others to decide for them.

They became the easy going, friendly child who would accommodate the needs of the family, as a way to feel a sense of belonging or connectedness.

Summary

Here the Enneagram teaches us two things. One, that very few of us escape childhood without wounds that need healing. And two, that we need to have a lot of compassion for ourselves and others as we navigate life unconsciously reacting to the pain of childhood we all carry with us.

SAMANTHA MACKAY

Samantha Mackay is a certified Enneagram and leadership development coach who believes work should be energizing, not draining. She combines the Enneagram with her experience of recovering from burnout twice to help leaders and teams thrive during stressful times. Connect with Samantha at www.samanthamackay.com

Childhood Messages for Your Enneagram Type

Posted on April 23, 2024April 23, 2024 by DrToni

Enneagram types

This is a great article from Psychology Junkie

https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/what-you-needed-to-hear-as-a-child-based-on-your-enneagram-type/#main

Wounding Messages of Each Enneagram Type

Posted on March 24, 2023 by DrToni

Posted by Enneagram Explained | Apr 26, 2021

Learn the wounding messages of each enneagram type and discover which one you have lived your life believing in.

Wounding messages are the thoughts that we have constantly playing in the back of our mind.

These (untrue!) wounding messages of each enneagram type are things that we either actually heard or things we perceived to be true as children.

You could be a 100% perfect parent and your child will still develop a wounding message.

Your goal is only to try to set them up for success and to help them see early on that those wounding messages are inaccurate.

Wounding Messages of Each Enneagram Type

Type 1’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 1, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to make mistakes.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be wrong” or “It’s not ok to behave badly.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 1’s core desire and core fear.

For a 1 that core desire is to be good/right (aka no mistakes) and the core fear is being bad/wrong (making mistakes).

What type 1’s long to hear is “You are good” (or you are good enough).
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 1 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 2’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 2, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to to have your own needs.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be a burden” or “It’s not ok to put your needs first.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 2’s core desire and core fear.

For a 2 that core desire is to be loved/wanted/needed (for who they are, not how they help) and the core fear is being unloved/unwanted/not needed.

What type 2’s long to hear is “You are wanted and loved for just being you.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 2 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 3’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 3, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to have your own feelings and identity.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to fail” or “It’s not ok to not work hard.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 3’s core desire and core fear.

What type 3’s long to hear is “You are loved and valued for simply being you” (the real you; not the mask you wear).
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 3 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 4’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 4, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be too much or not enough.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to not fit in” or “It’s not ok to be so emotional.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 4’s core desire and core fear.

What type 4’s long to hear is “You are seen and loved for who you are.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 4 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 5’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 5, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be comfortable in the world.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 5’s core desire and core fear.

What type 5’s long to hear is “Your needs are not a problem.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 5 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 6’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 6, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to trust yourself.”

There are other variations of this message such as “You need to check in with others first” or “It’s not ok to rely on your gut.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 6’s core desire and core fear.

What type 6’s long to hear is “You are safe and secure.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 6 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 7’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 7, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to depend on others for anything.”

There are other variations of this message such as “Nobody will take care of you” or “You need to do things for yourself.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 7’s core desire and core fear.

What type 7’s long to hear is “You will be taken care of.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 7 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 8’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 8, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be weak” or “Don’t trust others, you’ll only get hurt.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 8’s core desire and core fear.

For a 8 that core desire is to be independent/autonomous/strong (no vulnerability) and the core fear is being controlled/harmed/manipulated (their vulnerability being broken).

What type 8’s long to hear is “You will not be betrayed.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 8 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 9’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 9, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to assert yourself.”

There are other variations of this message such as “The needs/feelings of others matters more than yours” or “It’s not ok to rock the boat.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 9’s core desire and core fear.

What type 9’s long to hear is “Your presence matters.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 9 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Enneagram Childhood Wounds

Posted on July 21, 2022July 21, 2022 by DrToni

The Enneagram 1 Childhood Wound: Do Not Make Mistakes

The Enneagram 1 childhood wound develops with a judgmental and critical environment. The message type ones received and believe to be true is, it’s not okay to make mistakes.

Enneagram Ones often neglect to take care of themselves physically, leading to serious health problems later in life. Enneagram Ones can be overly critical and demanding of themselves and others, desiring to be as good as possible.

The striving for perfection manifests from the wounding message they heard as children that “making mistakes is never acceptable!” An Enneagram One will often struggle with statements like:

“It is never good enough.”
“Why does everyone else get to have fun?”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”

Often the Enneagram One childhood wound is due to a child feeling disconnected from the protective figures in their lives. This message can develop in homes that are overly strict, lenient, critical, or lacking feedback.

As a result, Enneagram Ones become their own worst critic, taking their actions very seriously and always being responsible.

How To Heal The Enneagram 1 Childhood Wound

As an enneagram one, you must believe that you are good, regardless of your performance or ability to improve things around you—Settle into a graceful disposition toward yourself and others. Take time to write your thoughts, listen to music, or go for a walk to decompress.

The Enneagram 2 Childhood Wound: Your Needs Are Not Important

The Enneagram 2 childhood wound results from a lack of nurturing and guidance; to compensate, enneagram twos begin to prioritize the needs of others while repressing their own. These children often grew up with the need to feel needed by others.

The following traits of an Enneagram Two personality type develop from their childhood wound:

Love and service are conditional.
I am worthy because of what I do.
I must earn my acceptance.

As a child, enneagram twos put the needs of others before their own to earn love and affection. Twos over-prioritize the needs of others as a way to receive admiration. They often feel guilty if they do anything for themselves because it seems selfish or self-serving.

How To Heal The Enneagram 2 Childhood Wound

As an enneagram two, healing this childhood wound starts with believing that you are worthy of love just as you are. You do not have to earn the love of those around you, and you are deserving of it. Let others know when you need to take a break alone. Get active by doing something physical. Designate time and resources to treat yourself.

The Enneagram 3 Childhood Wound: Your Accomplishments Matter More Than You

The Enneagram 3 childhood wound develops from a sense that their value and worth are tightly connected to what they achieve, rather than for who they are. Along the way, type threes believe that accomplishing what pleases others can result in admiration and recognition.

Enneagram threes go through their life pleasing others without awareness, sensing that achievement is more important than honesty and transparency. As a result, they become great at adapting to what others want and are chameleon-like in their interactions with people.

Frequently, Enneagram Threes tend to hide aspects of their personality they consider negative or undesirable, such as:

Neediness
Anger
Selfishness
Honesty

Enneagram Threes rejected their core desires for a self that may be more palatable and relatable to those around them. Threes fear rejection and can become sensitive to critique, so they work hard to please everyone in their lives.

Enneagram Threes primarily focus on the opinions of others, disregarding their own because this was a source of pain growing up.

How To Heal The Enneagram 3 Childhood Wound

Enneagram Threes can heal from childhood wounds of rejection by becoming vulnerable with others. This practice of authenticity can open them up to owning all parts of their personality.

Threes must learn to take responsibility for what they feel and own it, regardless if others are receptive to it. Create a list of reasons why you want to become more vulnerable. Engage in a stimulating conversation with a friend or mentor. Use an emotion wheel to identify what you feel.

emotion and feeling wheel for trauma

The Enneagram 4 Childhood Wound: People Shouldn’t Notice You

The Enneagram 4 childhood wound results from receiving a message that too much or little emotion or interest in any one thing is a bad thing. As a result, Enneagram fours feel unseen and fear that others may never fully understand them. They have a deep sense that they are different from everyone, often wrestling with their identity.

Fours strive for authenticity and seek to express themselves as honestly as possible to cope with this misunderstanding. Fours will romanticize the idea of finding a person or peer group who truly knows and accept them for who they are.

An Enneagram Type Four personality type tends to have underlying:

Loneliness
Melancholy
Unhappiness
Sadness
Heartache
Otherness

Enneagram Fours struggles with relating to others, making long-lasting relationships challenging to develop. The good news is that fours can learn to embrace positive feedback and affirmation and feel fully alive and complete.

How To Heal The Enneagram 4 Childhood Wound

Enneagram Fours can begin to heal their childhood wound by accepting they are worthy of being their whole selves. Fours must practice receiving and internalizing positive feedback, disregarding negative, false information.

The Enneagram 5 Childhood Wound: Your Presence Is A Problem

The Enneagram 5 childhood wound develops from a sense that their presence or needs are a problem to others. Fives feel unsure about their place in social settings and the world.

Enneagram fives deal with this trauma by accumulating knowledge and seeking to be self-sufficient, therefore avoiding dependency or need from others.

During childhood, this type often experiences some level of abandonment from a parent or guardian. This isolation solidifies their belief that their needs are a problem to others, resulting in relational barriers with significant people.

The Enneagram Five personality type can exhibit their childhood wound to avoid expectations of others through the following traits:

Appearing aloof or distant
Avoiding intimacy and vulnerability with people
Needing time alone to re-energize
Burying themself in a niche or particular interest

How To Heal The Enneagram 5 Childhood Wound

As an enneagram five, healing the childhood wound begins by learning to trust others, understanding that your needs are not a problem. Begin to practice identifying your emotions. Spend time doing physical activity, a sport, or exercise to connect your mind with your body.

Take time to reach out to a close friend and engage in a meaningful conversation. Practice speaking up even when you feel like you don’t have enough information about the subject. Make an intentional effort to become curious and supportive of others’ interests.

The Enneagram 6 Childhood Wound: Never Be Too Sure Of Yourself

The Enneagram 6 childhood wound occurs from two extremes: 1)an overdependence upon the opinion and guidance from overly strict parental figures. Or 2) an unpredictable, inconsistent, or absent feedback loop. As a result, sixes begin to disregard their intuition, fearing making the wrong choice and hoping to gain further guidance from authorities.

Enneagram sixes tend to overthink and can spiral into mentally preparing for the worst case as a means to create a sense of security for themselves. To further solidify the safety they desire, they will seek a seemingly unending amount of support and guidance from others before settling on a decision.

Enneagram sixes are also known as, The Loyalist. Their dutiful attitude comes from a desire to create a safe and reliable context where they and others can feel secure.

Enneagram Sixes show the childhood wound through the following personality traits:

Living in extreme measures by the guiding principle that it’s better safe than sorry
Suspicion of others
Anxiety

An enneagram six must learn to identify ways to trust their intuition or thoughts rather than needing an overwhelming amount of extrinsic evidence to support their hunch. The security an enneagram six desires are obtainable and often closer than they think upon realizing they are capable and responsible enough to act courageously.

How To Heal The Enneagram 6 Childhood Wound

Enneagram Sixes can begin healing their childhood wound by focusing on:

Learning to trust themselves based on logic and existing evidence
Developing mindful practices to overcome stress or worry
Establishing healthy friendships in which accountability and honesty are present

This learning and unlearning will take practice and time. Prioritize taking seemingly small steps in the right direction toward courage. Begin to shift your mindset from “I must prepare because bad things will happen.” to “I have the inner resources and ability to navigate through challenging circumstances if bad things happen.”

The Enneagram 7 Childhood Wound: You Can Only Depend On Yourself

The Enneagram 7 childhood wound comes from a lack of nurture and care. As a result, this type came to believe it is best to solely rely on themself to meet their needs. Their pursuit of being happy can lead to the avoidance of painful issues at all costs. This wound can cause them to prioritize planning for future activities rather than confronting present circumstances.

Under stress, Enneagram Sevens will defend themself from complicated feelings by only focusing on potentially positive outcomes and scenarios. The problem is this avoidance of resolving issues only perpetuates the problems.

Enneagram Sevens can struggle to connect with others because they received a message not to depend on others somewhere along the way. This trait can make it challenging for others to engage with a seven beyond surface-level conversation and friendship because sevens prefer to avoid difficulty.

Enneagram Sevens exhibit traits of this childhood wound in the following ways:

Escapism from difficult circumstances
Distrust of others
Distractable and scattered in thought
Resentment toward others who challenge their ideas

As a child, an Enneagram Seven primarily relied on themself because support and dependability from others were lacking. This autonomy can lead to overly independent adults.

How To Heal The Enneagram 7 Childhood Wound

Enneagram Sevens can begin healing by trusting the following guidelines:

Mindfully receive love, care, and attention from others
Accept the idea is beneficial and rewarding to trust others
Receive help from others while in need
Recognize and admit when something hurts you

Enneagram sevens can learn to enjoy the present and depend on others by establishing meaningful relationships. Doing so can validate that others are trustworthy and that contentment is possible.

The Enneagram 8 Childhood Wound: Never Let Your Guard Down

The Enneagram 8 childhood wound develops out of an insecure relationship with parental figures, often their mother. This uncertainty forces the Enneagram Eight to focus on becoming the strong one in the relationship and compensate for the lack of positive guidance or leadership.

The world, to an eight, is an unjust place that will hurt you and must be met with aggression to protect oneself and others. As a child, an Enneagram Eight often “grows up fast” because they believe it is best to be in control and that being vulnerable will create space for others to hurt you.

The primary desire of an enneagram eight is to have protection from harm in many aspects. This desire can lead to combative behavior to safeguard their resources. This disposition can communicate to others that they only care about their own needs. Or, others can interpret the intensity of an enneagram eight as being angry, defensive, or controlling.

Enneagram Eights can exhibit traits of this childhood wound to protect themself or others in the following ways:

Anger
Avoidance of affection
Retreat from others into isolation
Attempt to control outcomes and decisions of others

Enneagram Eights struggle to stay in control and will busy themself with projects, other people’s problems, or work to maintain a sense of control. However, this flurry of activity is often a means of avoiding appearing weak or vulnerable.

How To Heal The Enneagram 8 Childhood Wound

The Enneagram Eights can heal from this childhood wound as they learn to practice compassion for themself. An eight should practice vulnerability with a small, trusted group of people.

For an eight, identifying a couple of places to ask for help can be a powerfully freeing thing to do, as they accept that trusting others is a worthwhile endeavor. Take time to write down the areas that you fear releasing control. Surrender the idea that you can handle it all.

For an enneagram eight, recognizing the need to be seen as strong at all times and their effort to hide any appearance of weakness is a significant first step on the path toward healing.

The Enneagram 9 Childhood Wound: Your Involvement Is Not Necessary

The Enneagram 9 childhood wound occurs because they experience neglect and a sense of being unnoticed by authority figures in their life. Although, as a child, a type nine feels deeply connected to their guardians, however, along the way, they begin to believe they can keep the peace by not being assertive.

Nines assume that it is best to reserve their involvement and, as a result, can become numb to their feelings and needs. What can appear as an easy-going, go-with-the-flow demeanor often comes from their belief that they do not matter. An enneagram nine will lower their expectation of themselves and others to avoid disappointment; if nothing is important to you, then nothing or no one can let you down.

Enneagram Nines can exhibit traits of this childhood wound to provide a sense of peace in the following ways:

Procrastination
Sleeping for long periods
Frequent changes concerning their interests and desires
Inability to make decisions

An enneagram nine can learn how meaningful their presence and opinion is to those around them and become more assertive.

How To Heal The Enneagram 9 Childhood Wound

With resilience and intentionality, there are many things an Enneagram Nine can do to heal their childhood wound. These include all the following:

Practice expressing their opinions with people they trust and admire
Adopt new mindsets concerning their value and worth
Establish accountability with a friend or mentor
Prioritize setting goals and create a structure to help achieve their desires

Enneagram Nines can develop into tremendous leaders because of their ability to create harmony and peace within their environments. They can find common ground between differing opinions.

A healthy enneagram nine believes and understands that peace should not come at the expense of their sense of worth. Enneagram nines can assume an active stance because their opinion matters, rather than letting life carelessly drift by.

In Summary: The Enneagram Childhood Wound Is Significant Yet Can Be Overcome

The enneagram childhood wound you relate to the most will depend on your type. Every person experiences a wounding message as a child. The fact is, we live in an imperfect world, with people who make mistakes.

Thankfully, there is hope for every person to experience healing from their childhood wounds. With intentionality, willingness, humility, relationship, and work, you and I can process past experiences and develop into healthier versions of ourselves.

If you need further help identifying your Enneagram type, check out the post: How to Find Your Enneagram With 4 Helpful Tips.

If you would like to find resources to explore your type in greater detail, check out some of our favorite resources HERE.

Enneagram Childhood Wound Sources:

psychologyjunkie.com

psychreel.com

correttawoodard.com

enneagramspectrum.com

Childhood Messages – Enneagram

Posted on July 13, 2022July 13, 2022 by DrToni

UNCONSCIOUS CHILDHOOD MESSAGES VS. MESSAGES YOU WANTED TO HEAR:

Type 1 – “It’s not okay to make mistakes.” vs. “You are good.”

Type 2 – “It’s not okay to have your own needs.” vs. “You are wanted.”

Type 3 – “It’s not okay to have your own feelings and identity.” vs. “You are loved for yourself.

Type 4 – “It’s not okay to be too functional or too happy.” vs. “You are seen for who you are.”

Type 5 – “It’s not okay to be comfortable in the world.” vs. “Your needs are not a problem.”

Type 6 – “It’s not okay to trust yourself.” vs. “You are safe.”

Type 7 – “It’s not okay to depend on anyone for anything.” vs. “You will be taken care of.”

Type 8 – “It’s not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.” vs. “You will not be betrayed.”

Type 9 – “It’s not okay to assert yourself.” vs. “Your presence matters.”