Dr. Toni is an ordained New Thought Minister who specialized in Conscious Aging using Transformative Tools such as The Art of Quantum Living and the Enneagram. You can find more of her work and products at https://tonilamotta.com
Lesson 1 of a 12 Part Introduction to the Enneagram
Today we will look at one of the fundamental ideas that permeate the Enneagram – the three centers of intelligence. Traditionally, the IQ or mental intelligence was the only intelligence that was recognized. With the work of Howard Gardner, the notion of multiple intelligences became popular. Many people in spiritual circles – like Heart Math, have recognized the heart as a viable center of knowing and most people are familiar with the term, ‘trust your gut’ – which is also seen as a major center of spiritual intelligence, sometimes known as ‘the spiritual womb’.
Each or us acts from all of these centers but one clearly predominates according to our Enneagram ‘point’ or ‘type’ These centers provide a range of information that not only helps us understand our own gifts and challenges, but also why others see the world so differently. They also provide a way to create greater balance within yourself as part of your everyday growth practice.
In the depiction of the 9 points of the Enneagram:
There are three centers of intelligence, the Body, Heart and Head. Each provides us with basic skills that we need for full living.
The Body, or gut center, gives us the ability to act, get into motion, experience our physical sensations. It helps us to kinesthetically experience life around us and sense what is happening in order to get things accomplished.
For Body based types, the Eights, Nines and Ones, are excellent on their ability to focus on their physical sensations as a way to react and respond to the world. They use their body as a way to control their immediate environment and to help them achieve whatever their immediate goal is. Most Body types focus on being practical, quickly seeking out the one right way to do things and get them done.
The Heart, or emotional center, gives us the ability to feel our feelings, connect with others emotionally, and be sensitive to their emotional reactions. In other words, high EQ. It’s the most direct way to relate to other people and to form and maintain relationships in our lives.
Heart based types, the Twos, Threes and Fours, see the world through the lens of their emotions. Their heart energy reads the room, connecting to the hearts of other people, getting a sense of how they feel. They focus on maintaining relationships, so all Heart types adapt themselves in some way to be accepted.
The Head, or thinking center, gives us the ability to gather and analyze information, brainstorm new ways of doing things, and make plans for the future. It helps us to experience and express our thoughts, beliefs and perform other cognitive tasks like visualization and imagination.
Head based types, Fives, Sixes and Sevens, relate to reality through logical and analytical reasoning. They easily read the room for possible issues and creating different scenarios for how to respond.
In an ideal world, we would use the strengths of each center to deal with life challenges. We would use the Body center when we need to take practical action, the Heart center when we need to connect with others and the Head center when we need to analyze information. However, that is not what happens.
Instead, we tend to focus our energy around one center.
When we aren’t aware of this, we try to use the same tools to solve very different problems. Our dominant center tricks us into trying to solve all problems with the same tools, instead of realizing we have access to other tools much better suited to the task at hand.
For Body types, once they are in motion, they can find it very hard to stop—especially if that action has become automatic or programmed. Body types find it easier to act now and analyze later (if at all). And they find it difficult to slow down and get into their feelings.
Heart types can find it challenging to sense their own body, or to disconnect from their feelings and analyze a situation from different angles.
Head types struggle to act on their ideas. They also can find it hard to access their heart and connect with their own feelings as well as the feelings of others.
Each of the Three Centers of Intelligence has a counterpart in the portion of the nervous system that is situated in the skull.The Head Center is linked with the cerebral cortex or the outer “rind” of the brain. The Heart Center is linked to what are known as the limbic areas of the brain. Even though new research tells us that brain functioning is not really this simplified or discrete, it is still useful to think of the limbic system as organizing our emotions, motivations, and high-level automatic behaviors, such as habits. Finally, the Belly Center is linked to the brain stem, the posterior area – or back – of the brain, continuing into the spinal cord. This portion of the brain helps to regulate the central nervous system, the circulatory system including the heart, the respiratory system, and other autonomic (or automatic) functions. The nerve connections of the motor and sensory systems from the main part of the brain to the rest of the body pass through the brain stem.
If you haven’t already known this, begin to observe your dominant center in action. An important part of our development is to create more flexibility in how we approach the world and be able to use more of the tools and perspectives at our disposal. The key to start on this journey is self-observation.
The goal is to be able to identify which of our centers we overexpress, under express, and to intentionally balance all 3 centers in an effective way. That way, we can approach any situation with the appropriate amount of thoughtful planning, objectivity, and analysis (Thinking Center), empathy, compassion, and emotional attunement to our self and to others (Feeling Center), and to properly tune into our body language, gut instinct, and taking intentional action (Action Center).
Hey everyone! This may be a little controversial but I’m saying it anyways.
I watched a video a little while ago and ever since I’ve been thinking about it, pondering about it for a while. Then I came to realize that it’s actually true, from my point of view.
What we know about the sexual instinct isn’t what we really think it is. It’s not about intensity, chemistry, bonding, one-to-one relations. Everything that we read, told, heard, watched about the sexual subtype is all largely related to the social instinct. The sexual subtype is about Passion, Desires, Conviction, Beauty, Attraction, Emotionality. What’s fun and exciting.
You see the social subtype isn’t really about groups, or crowds, or community. The social subtype is focused on their own relationships rather than the community. Let me explain. The social instinct is focused on their community or the world to be exact in the sense that they understand how humans interact, how everyone is connected, intertwined. What’s expected of us, what we should do to make someone feel better, how to be a friend. How to be their for our loved ones. Social is about connecting with someone and finding the line that makes them feel as if their one with that person their talking with. Finding that one-to-one intensity that makes them feel connected. Even social lasts. Their trying to maintain their harmonious relationships. Their relational, wanting to be that best friend that everyone wants. Their loving, warm, caring. They probably ask themselves questions like
-Who am I? -Is this person problematic? -Are they using appropriate terminology when describing identities? -Am I offending anyone? -Should I post this photo? Is this the right thing to wear? -How should I say this? -How do our political views differ? -What makes me, me? -How do people see me right now? -Who’s in charge here?
And that’s just the start.
Sexual subtype…. I cannot express this enough. It’s not about one-to-one intimate relationships. It’s not about their chemistry, intensity, bonding or whatever else we’re saying. Theirs a reason why Sexual doms are considered rare. 3% of the worlds population are Sexual doms. Is this statistic right? Course not we won’t know exactly or what the exact percentage is but that’s what the creator had said.
I’ll try my best to explain the best I can. The Sexual subtype is highly self focused. Let me explain. Social subtype is focused on their interpersonal relationships. They focus on trying to maintain harmony. Self-preservation types are focused on their well being. Trying to maintain stability, around them and their environment. Sexual subtype is focused on what attracts them, what brings that electric fire that energizes them, what their passions are, what they desire, what psychologically arouses them. Sexual subtypes are trying to maintain their sense of identity.
Therefore sexual subtype is about psychological stimulation on what brings them the most attraction. What makes them feel good, attractive, alive, happy. Which is part of attraction/repulsion. People that have the Sexual subtype as a dominant or secondary type will be drawn towards things that spark up their attraction. I.e, tv shows, articles of clothing, a person, a store. Whatever they’re attracted to. They’ll be drawn to it until they get bored. Same goes with repulsion but it’s the opposite. Whatever they’re repulsed by. They won’t be drawn to it.
They’re described as intense, that they have this intensity about them. That is true but it’s not about the intensity between them and another person. No. Their intensity comes from their passion, their emotional intensity about their favourite topics. Whether that be fashion, humanity, animals. Photography. When engaged in a conversation that involves their passion. They’ll get this fiery emotional intensity about them that you won’t see about something that they don’t feel as connected to. This is because they don’t have this emotional connection to some other topic they’re involved in.
Due to the intense belief in their passions. This competitive nature comes into play here. Again it’s towards this psychological stimulation that drives this sort of competitive behaviour. It’s about this fun, electrifying feeling that they have inside. It’s not about who’s better, or let’s see if I can out beat you. It’s solely for having a fun time. There may be this idea if they may be able to win, not entirely sure.
Things that they may ask themselves
-Am I attractive enough
-How can I push this interaction to become more vulnerable and risky for them, and for me? How can I pull them under the surface with me?
-Am I into myself? Am I steeping in the carnal juice of selfhood in every moment? Does my bein iterate upon itself in eternal self-desire?
-If i would buy this… Would it make me look more desirable?
You may be confused by these questions. I too was confused at first but the more I thought about it the more it made sense. As much as Sexual doms are about having fun, psychological stimulation. They’re also about making themselves feel attractive in a way that makes them feel pleased, and attractive in their own eye. It could be in a way that’s pleasing to them. In their own flavour and or taste if they have Self-pres second or pleasing to themselves as well as to others if they have social second. They tend to always be dressed up when they leave the house, they may appear “sensual” and “pleasing” only in the face of a romantic interest. Let me repeat that again. “Sensual” and “Pleasing” in the face of a romantic interest because their attracted to that particular individual that they are attracted to. They want them, so they try their best to draw them in to their world of beauty.
In conclusion. The sexual instinct is not about chemistry between you and someone else, intensity or connection. It’s about how we feel about something that we are interested in. How does something make me feel. Am I satisfied and happy? Or am I repulsed by it and want nothing to do with it.
Everything we know about this instinct is confused with the social subtype. Social instinct is about their own interpersonal relationships that has to do with their chemistry between their friends, family and strangers. How are they connecting with them. Are they creating a strong bond. The core of the Sexual instinct is about attraction/repulsion, am I drawn to this object or disgusted by it? Passion and desire. Do I feel emotionally attached to these specific topics. Am I confident in my ideas. Conviction. Am I able to follow through with them until I achieve my goal etc.
This is overall true. I think people overly fixate on the idea of romantic and sexual attraction and apply it to sexual, ignoring that the bonding aspects of romance and sex are entirely social-related, and then create the idea that interpersonal relations are the sexual instinct when they’re not. Desire and repulsion is an important part of the sexual instinct. This desire-repulsion is what creates the intensity of sx relationships, and that doesn’t make it more loving than social or sp relationships (though those with sx may feel unloved if that intensity isn’t mirrored). Boundary pushing is also referenced for the sexual instinct and furthers that intense energy that’s too chaotic for many people, especially sx-blinds. Sexual can definitely be about relationships but it’s not about bonding and caring like social is. It’s more about the passion and “what can I get out of this?” But rather than practical matters like with SP, it’s about the excitement of it. Sx relationships can be intensely loving, but that loving isn’t part of the sexual instinct, just the intensity is.
So/sx in particular can end up being a mischievous type as a result of the secondary sx. That’s just an observation I’ve had.
I think also this misrepresentation may come from the fact that people don’t understand they use all instincts and the blindspot is simply the one you don’t prioritize. They think intense love = sexual but it’s actually sexual intensity utilizing the social aspect of love. People want love and connection, they wrongly chalk it up to sx, then mistype as sx dom despite definitely not being that. It’s like the issue with everyone mistyping as 4s and now 4s are horribly misrepresented because everyone is parroting wrong information.
However, I do believe sexual also has an inherent link to sexuality, hence the name. This furthers the mix up when people utilize the sexuality aspect of sexual and think they’re using sexual. No, you’re just seeking a relationship like most people do. Lack of interest in a relationship is more social blind than sx blind, but discomfort or confusion regarding sx matters is more sx blind.
Sx/sp specifically is the type most prone to that desire-repulsion imo. Since social blindness creates a lower interest in relationships, they have no interest until someone pulls them in and they become obsessed. But this seems to have become the sx stereotype for some reason.
When we ignore difficult emotions, they end up controlling us. Here’s how embracing emotional agility allows us to deal with the world as it is.
We are caught up in a rigid culture that values relentless positivity over emotional agility, true resilience, and thriving, says Susan David, Ph.D., a Psychologist on the faculty of Harvard Medical School and author of the book Emotional Agility. And when we push aside difficult emotions in order to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop deep skills to help us deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. In this TED Talk, Dr. David explores why tough emotions are essential for living a life of true meaning and, yes, even happiness.
Susan David, Ph.D.: “In South Africa, where I come from, “sawubona” is the Zulu word for “hello.” There’s a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word because “sawubona” literally translated means, “I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being.” So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that. But what does it take in the way we see ourselves? Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories that help us to thrive in an increasingly complex and fraught world?
This crucial question has been at the center of my life’s work. Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything. Every aspect of how we love, how we live, how we parent and how we lead. The conventional view of emotions as good or bad, positive or negative, is rigid. And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic. We need greater levels of emotional agility for true resilience and thriving.
The conventional view of emotions as good or bad, positive or negative, is rigid. And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.
My journey with this calling began not in the hallowed halls of a university, but in the messy, tender business of life. I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa, a country and community committed to not seeing. To denial. It’s denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong. And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial at a personal level, before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.
My father died on a Friday. He was 42 years old and I was 15. My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father before I went to school. So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer. His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there. In his presence, I had always felt seen. I told him I loved him, said goodbye and headed off for my day. At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology, as my father slipped from the world. From May to July to September to November, I went about with my usual smile. I didn’t drop a single grade. When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, “OK.” I was praised for being strong. I was the master of being OK.
But back home, we struggled—my father hadn’t been able to keep his small business going during his illness. And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life trying to raise three children, and the creditors were knocking. We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged. And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast. I started to use food to numb my pain. Binging and purging. Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief. No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity, I thought that no one wanted to know.
Moving Beyond Emotional Rigidity
But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief. My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes as she handed out blank notebooks. She said, “Write what you’re feeling. Tell the truth. Write like nobody’s reading.” And just like that, I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain. It was a simple act but nothing short of a revolution for me. It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook 30 years ago that shaped my life’s work. The secret, silent correspondence with myself. Like a gymnast, I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial into what I’ve now come to call emotional agility.
Life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility: We are young until we are not. We walk down the streets sexy until one day we realize that we are unseen. We nag our children and one day realize that there is silence where that child once was, now making his or her way in the world. We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees. The only certainty is uncertainty, and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably. The World Health Organization tells us that depression is now the single leading cause of disability globally—outstripping cancer, outstripping heart disease. And at a time of greater complexity, unprecedented technological, political and economic change, we are seeing how people’s tendency is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.
On the one hand, we might obsessively brood on our feelings, getting stuck inside our heads, hooked on being right, or victimized by our news feed. On the other, we might bottle our emotions, pushing them aside and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.
In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people, I found that a third of us—a third—either judge ourselves for having so-called “bad emotions,” like sadness, anger or even grief. Or actively try to push aside these feelings. We do this not only to ourselves, but also to people we love, like our children—we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative, jump to a solution, and fail to help them to see these emotions as inherently valuable.
The Tyranny of Relentless Positivity
Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad. And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness. People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive. Women, to stop being so angry. And the list goes on. It’s a tyranny. It’s a tyranny of positivity. And it’s cruel. Unkind. And ineffective. And we do it to ourselves, and we do it to others.
If there’s one common feature of brooding, bottling, or false positivity, it’s this: they are all rigid responses. And if there’s a single lesson we can learn from the inevitable fall of apartheid, it is that rigid denial doesn’t work. It’s unsustainable.For individuals, for families, for societies.And as we watch the ice caps melt, it is unsustainable for our planet.
But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be.
Research on emotional suppression shows that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger. Psychologists call this amplification. Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator, the more you try to ignore it, the greater its hold on you. You might think you’re in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them, but in fact, they control you. Internal pain always comes out. Always. And who pays the price? We do. Our children, our colleagues, our communities.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-happiness. I like being happy. I’m a pretty happy person. But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. I’ve had hundreds of people tell me what they don’t want to feel. They say things like, “I don’t want to try because I don’t want to feel disappointed.” Or, “I just want this feeling to go away.”
“I understand,” I say to them. “But you have dead people’s goals.” Only dead people never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.
Only dead people never get stressed, never get broken hearts, never experience the disappointment that comes with failure. Tough emotions are part of our contract with life. You don’t get to have a meaningful career or raise a family or leave the world a better place without stress and discomfort. Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.
So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity and embrace emotional agility? As that young schoolgirl, when I leaned into those blank pages, I started to do away with feelings of what I should be experiencing. And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel. Pain. And grief. And loss. And regret.
How to Embrace Emotional Agility
Research now shows that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions—even the messy, difficult ones—is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving, and true, authentic happiness. But emotional agility is more than just an acceptance of emotions, we also know that accuracy matters. In my own research, I found that words are essential. We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings. “I’m stressed” is the most common one I hear. But there’s a world of difference between stress and disappointment or stress and that knowing-dread of “I’m in the wrong career.” When we label our emotions accurately, we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings. And what scientists call the “readiness potential” in our brain is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps. But not just any steps, the right steps for us. Because our emotions are data. Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.
We tend not to feel strong emotion to stuff that doesn’t mean anything in our worlds. If you feel rage when you read the news, that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness—and an opportunity to take active steps to shape your life in that direction. When we are open to the difficult emotions, we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.
But there’s an important caveat. Emotions are data, they are not directives. We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values without needing to listen to them. Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby, but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.
We own our emotions, they don’t own us. When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom, and what I do in a values-aligned action, we generate the pathway to our best selves via our emotions. So, what does this look like in practice?
When you feel a strong, tough emotion, don’t race for the emotional exits. Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.
What is the emotion telling you? And try not to say “I am,” as in, “I’m angry” or “I’m sad.” When you say “I am” it makes you sound as if you are the emotion. Whereas you are you, and the emotion is a data source. Instead, try to notice the feeling for what it is: “I’m noticing that I’m feeling sad” or “I’m noticing that I’m feeling angry.”
These are essential skills for us, our families, our communities. They’re also critical to the workplace.
In my research, when I looked at what helps people to bring the best of themselves to work, I found a powerful key contributor: individualized consideration. When people are allowed to feel their emotional truth, engagement, creativity, and innovation flourish in the organization. Diversity isn’t just people, it’s also what’s inside people, including diversity of emotion. The most agile, resilient individuals, teams, organizations, families, communities are built on an openness to the normal human emotions. It’s this that allows us to say, “What is my emotion telling me?” “Which action will bring me towards my values?” “Which will take me away from my values?” Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions with curiosity, compassion, and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.
Emotional agility is the ability to be with your emotions with curiosity, compassion, and especially the courage to take values-connected steps.
When I was little, I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death. My father would comfort me with soft pats and kisses. But he would never lie. “We all die, Susie,” he would say.”It’s normal to be scared.” He didn’t try to invent a buffer between me and reality. It took me a while to understand the power of how he guided me through those nights. What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear; courage is fear walking. Neither of us knew that in 10 short years, he would be gone. And that time for each of us is all too precious and all too brief. But when our moment comes to face our fragility, in that ultimate time, it will ask us, “Are you agile?” “Are you agile?” Let the moment be an unreserved “yes.” A “yes” born of a lifelong correspondence with your own heart. And in seeing yourself. Because in seeing yourself, you are also able to see others, too: the only sustainable way forward in a fragile, beautiful world. Sawubona.”
As Taylor Swift wows audiences with her record-breaking Eras Tour and celebrates the release of her 11th studio album, pop culture can’t get enough of her music. Fans are posting hour-long deep dives into the Tortured Poets Department on YouTube. Concert-goers are planning extravagant Eras Tour outfits, and heartbroken Swifties are identifying with particularly depressing lyrics on social media.
But despite the Swiftie-mania, it’s important for long-term fans to remember why they connected to Swift’s music in the first place: her songwriting. Spanning not only genres but emotions, Swift’s lyrics touch on so many aspects of life that everybody is bound to relate to at least one song. Today, we will be looking at the song that you relate to, based on your Enneagram type.
Type One: “long story short”
Like the other songs on Evermore, Taylor opts for self-reflection in “long story short.” The entire Evermore album marks her transition from writing about present heartbreaks to reflecting on her career as a whole. In this particular song, she details the blows to her public image during the Reputation era and the poor choices she made as a result. However, she also sings about the lessons she learned. From the other side of the heartache, she realizes that everything bad in the past needed to happen so that she could feel content in the present.
Like Taylor in this song, Type Ones have a penchant for objective reflection and are constantly examining the track they are on. Just as Taylor acknowledges that she entered the wrong relationship out of loneliness, Ones can also recognize the role that they play in their own misery. Ones, like Taylor in this song, see life as a story – and from stories, you can always learn something.
Type Two: “New Year’s Day”
Choosing a song for the lovable Two from an album known as Taylor’s edgiest may seem counterintuitive. However, Reputation is a love album before it is a career rebrand. Between the songs that declare Taylor’s new dark persona (in my opinion, the weaker ones) are ballads about new love.
“New Year’s Day” is about being afraid to lose someone who has just entered your life, but has become a crucial part of it. To her new lover, Taylor promises devotion through the ups and downs of their relationship. She offers unconditional love in the face of her fear of them leaving.
As Taylor does in this song, Twos tend to offer unconditional love to the people in their lives. They see the success of their friendships and romantic relationships as a reflection of who they are, and are afraid to lose someone they love because it would be a blow to their self esteem. So, they offer others so much love that they feel less inclined to leave.
Twos know what it is like to be cast aside or mistreated, so they take special care to make those in their inner circle feel cared for. Unfailingly loyal, they are able to see people through the worst parts of their lives and love them more for it. And that’s what Reputation is all about.
Type Three: “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart”
Taylor Swift is a Type Three herself, and can speak to the type Three experience (and she does on “You’re On Your Own Kid”, “Anti-Hero” and “Sweet Nothing”).
This song, however, has become the Three’s anthem in a matter of weeks.
“I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” is a testament to Swift’s ability to push her feelings aside for the sake of success. In this song, she sings about the pain of undergoing a public breakup while performing every night for a world tour, re-recording albums, orchestrating a tour movie premiere, and writing new music. Despite the heartbreak of having someone crucial walk away, she has tasks to get done.
Threes feel just as much as any other Enneagram type, but their drive for success allows them to set aside negative emotions for the sake of productivity. This can be extremely useful – during an exam season or busy work week, being able to separate work and your inner world can be an invaluable skill. However, the routine ignoring of your emotions in the favor of extrinsic success can be damaging. How often have you tried to treat a heavy heart with a to-do list?
Type Four: “A Place in This World”
Though it’s arguably her weakest album, Taylor Swift is a strong debut. It’s filled with all the musings of sixteen-year-old Swift, which chime with the astonishment and wonder that Fours hold towards the world.
In this song, Taylor – who is at the beginning of her musical career and has just moved to Tennessee – is looking out at the world and determining what her place in it will look like. She is on the brink of adulthood and wondering which of her childhood values she will be allowed to take with her.
Regardless of age, Fours are always doing this. Type Fours commonly describe their default mindset as “on the outside looking in” and they’re always trying to find their place in the world. They fluctuate between being excited by the future’s possibilities and despondent because they don’t know how to stick with a specific life path.
I could write about other “Four” Taylor Swift songs (anything on Folklore and every sad song on Midnights) but “A Place in This World” highlights what is so beautiful about being a Four: all the possibilities you see.
Type Five: “the lakes”
This, at first glance, is a song about Fours. Taylor’s longing for “auroras and sad prose” on a day at the lake is such a Type Four desire. However, further dissection of the lyrics betrays them as a Type Five’s musings.
“the lakes” is really about being so fascinated with the natural world that you want to step away from other human beings to admire it fully. Taylor’s interest in “Windermere peaks” and wisteria seem just as analytical as romantic. She seems so put off with the outside world and the media that she seeks nature as a refuge.
Not all Fives are introverts, but most would rather learn as much as possible about the world and the way that it works than duke out the complications of their social lives. Like Taylor, Fives usually find themselves indulging in their hobbies and safe spaces, where they can pursue their interests without interference.
Fives are also independent. More than any other type, they are comfortable with doing things by themselves, or with a small group of people. This is reflected in Taylor’s desire to have only one trusted person with her on this adventure.
Type Six: “Out Of The Woods”
One of the greatest love songs that Taylor has ever written, “Out Of The Woods” details a romance filled with unease. It’s about a perilous relationship, which Taylor has constant doubts about – because of her incompatibility with her lover and her fear of having the relationship exposed by the media.
This causes the objects of the song to love each other in private – dancing in the living room, sharing tense moments in a hospital room – and constantly fear being found out.
Because of the doubt that surrounds their decisions, Sixes can have a similar mindset in regards to their own relationships. Their fear of being betrayed or getting abandoned can lead them to show less love than they are capable of.
However, this song is also about loyalty. Despite the relationship being what it is, Taylor sticks with her lover through difficult times. More than their doubt, Sixes are known for staying by their loved ones’ sides no matter what. Sixes treat others with loyalty, since they know what it’s like to be treated without it.
Type Seven: “Fearless”
Because the media tends to reduce Type Sevens to flighty party types, an early dance (“22,” “Shake it Off,” “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”) song was probably expected as the Seven song. However, Sevens have more emotional depth than they are often given credit for. In fact, “mirrorball” was almost the Seven song because of the responsibility they feel to entertain others.
“Fearless” perfectly captures the Type Seven experience because it is earnest and nostalgic at the same time. In this song, a much younger Taylor describes what it’s like to be on the edge of a new, scary thing (in her case, a relationship) and be afraid – but to pursue it wholeheartedly.
Charging into situations with their signature optimism is just what Sevens do. Their choice to be joyful and upbeat regardless of struggles they face is a sign of fearlessness. This is why the entire Fearless album feels like it was written for Sevens.
Type Eight: “Mean”
In “Mean,” Taylor speaks to the hometown bullies who belittled her dreams when she was just starting out. Instead of brooding over their mistreatment, she simply promises that her success will be her revenge. In the same way, Eights love to take revenge by becoming better. An Eight’s biggest motivation to improve is the people who kicked them when they were down.
Eights’ outward confidence is often a coping strategy from when they were weaker – the times when they were mistreated or taken advantage of were fuel to help them become the most self-assured version of themselves.
Instead of taking other people’s mistreatment as proof that there was something inherently wrong with them – as some other types would have – Eights used those obstacles to motivate themselves towards becoming better people. They were not roadblocks, simply challenges.
While true maturity is realizing that you do not have anything to prove to the people who mistreated you, using traumatic experiences as fuel to build a better life is much better than wallowing in sadness.
Type Nine: “The Archer”
A fan favorite, “The Archer” is an uncomfortable recounting of Taylor’s flaws. She admits that she sabotages her happiness and plays a role in the combustion of her relationships. However, the song is also about her steady determination to avoid acknowledging her insecurities.
Taylor’s avoidance of herself is a direct parallel to how Type Nines tend to avoid any conflict, including self-conflict. Nines are empathetic and agreeable, forever seeing the positive side. This is a problem, however, when they do not confront their difficult emotions. It stunts personal growth.
Nines also need to play the mediator role in large groups of people. They tend to put on an understanding, empathetic face so that everybody else can feel happy – and this leads to them never fully feeling true to themselves. They live in constant fear of being “found out” as different from the face they put on. This is reflected in Taylor’s repeated cry of “They see right through me.”
In this song, Taylor wonders who could know who she truly is and stay in a relationship with her. Similarly, Nines often wonder who would still want to be associated with them if they weren’t exactly who people would like them to be – “They see right through, I see right through me.”
MUNA NNAMANI
Muna Nnamani is a college student. As an English major, her favorite hobbies are making book playlists and over-identifying with fictional characters. As a pre medicine student, she is passionate about providing healthcare to low-income communities. She’s an INFP 4w3.Muna Nnamani is a college student. As an English major, her favorite hobbies are making book playlists and over-identifying with fictional characters. As a pre medicine student, she is passionate about providing healthcare to low-income communities. She’s an INFP 4w3.
The Sad Movie That Will Get You Sobbing, By Enneagram Type
By:
Hannah Pisani
Every so often, it can be cathartic to have a good cry—and we have just the tear-inducing movie to help, based on your Enneagram type!
So, grab some popcorn (and some tissues) and read on to learn about the sad film you should watch to let out all of those pent-up emotions.
Type One: Gladiator
As a Type One, you’ll probably relate to Russel Crowe’s character in Gladiator a lot. Okay, you’re not a Roman general. But, like the protagonist, you’re guided by your deeply held principles. You believe in doing the right thing, in being honorable, in standing up for what’s right. Just like Maximus, you’re willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good—and watching him do the same will tug at your heartstrings. His battle is your battle, Type One, making Gladiator not just a movie but a mirror to your soul.
Type Two: The Deepest Breath
The Deepest Breath is a heart-wrenching film that will resonate with you,Type Two. As a helper and giver, you’re always putting others first—but what about your own ambitions? This movie is about love, the pursuit of potential, and the complexities of relationships, all set in the murky depths of the ocean. While we don’t want to give too much away, we will say this: brace for the ending and put your box of tissues within easy reach.
Type Three: Click
Click will make you cry, Type Three, because you’ll see yourself in the protagonist, played by Adam Sandler. Like him, you tend to prioritize work and goals over your family and friends. You get caught up in the rat race and lose sight of what really matters—until it’s almost too late. With its bittersweet ending, this movie will remind all Type 3’s to slow down and appreciate the present moment, instead of always chasing after success. Perspective-changing.
Type Four: Inside Out
Yes, it’s a kids film. But Inside Out has a surprisingly deep message that will resonate with Type Fours. The movie perfectly captures the complexity of emotions running wild as people navigate growth and change, which is your inner world in a nutshell. Plus, who can resist shedding a tear at the heart-wrenching goodbye between Bing Bong and Joy? You’ll be uplifted and moved at the same time.
Type Five: Brené Brown, The Call to Courage
Emotions can feel like confusing, uncomfortable sensations to you. As a Type Five, you prefer to bury yourself in the comfort of facts and intellectual theories. That’s why this documentary will be so challenging and enlightening for you to watch. It will hone in on something you’ve been trying to avoid: being vulnerable with your emotions–and it will bring you to tears in the process.
Type Six: The Pursuit of Happyness
Your deepest fear as a Type Six is being unable to protect yourself from danger. You crave security and certainty, but life is unpredictable, and this movie highlights that in a powerful way. Will Smith’s character faces endless challenges as he tries to make a better life for himself and his son. His perseverance and determination will have you rooting for him every step of the way—and reaching for the tissues when things get tough.
Type Seven: Bohemian Rhapsody
Rumored to be an Enneagram Type Seven himself, Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen, lived life with gusto. When you watch this film, you’ll be entertained by the fantastic music, fast-paced plot and the optimism and authenticity of the lead character. Embrace the highs and the lows, Type Seven, they’re all part of your bohemian rhapsody.
Type Eight: The Color Purple
Type Eights are deeply troubled by injustice and hate the idea of being controlled or restricted. That’s why this heart-wrenching film will stir your soul. It tells the story of Celie Harris and the oppression she faced growing up in Georgia during the early 1900’s. As you watch Celie show enduring bravery and resilience in the face of constant hardship, you’ll no doubt let out a whimper or two.
Type Nine: Bob Marley, One Love
Compassionate and harmony-focused, peace is a core value for Type Nines—which is why you’ll adore this autobiographical film about the musician, Bob Marley. In the movie, Marley bravely promotes his beliefs about unity and love, despite perilous opposition. You’ll be brought to tears by his integrity and idealism and, as the credits roll, feel inspired to make the world a better place with a reggae rhythm in your step. These lyrics are your mission—an enduring call to “Let’s get together and feel all right.”
HANNAH PISANI
Hannah Pisani is a freelance writer based in London, England. A type 9 INFP, she is passionate about harnessing the power of personality theory to better understand herself and the people around her – and wants to help others do the same. When she’s not writing articles, you’ll find her composing songs at the piano, advocating for people with learning difficulties, or at the pub with friends and a bottle (or two) of rose.
In this article, we will look at the childhood wounds of eatch enneagram type. This article also explores the covert messages each enneagram type received which influenced their personality.
Here are the Childhood Wounds of each Enneagram type:
Enneagram Type 1: Hypercriticism
Enneagram Type 2: People Pleasing and Self Sacrifice
Enneagram Type 3: Worthlessness
Enneagram Type 4: Abandonment Wound
Enneagram Type 5: Lack of Affection/ Intimacy
Enneagram Type 6: Lack of Safety
Enneagram Type 7: Lack of Nurturance
Enneagram Type 8: Lack of Vulnerability
Enneagram Type 9: Neglect
Enneagram Type 1: Hypercriticism
Enneagram One as children felt harshly criticized, punished, or inadequate. It’s possible that the household rules were incongruent. As a result, they grew preoccupied with being perfect and avoided making mistakes in order to escape being judged. “You should always strive to be better than you really are,” was the main theme.
Ones felt estranged from the protective figure in their lives as kids. Based on the circumstances of their house, this may have been the mother or the father. This can indicate that the parent they expected to be powerful and protective was instead hostile and abusive. It could also indicate that the parent was preoccupied, unreasonable, strict, or overly demanding.
In this way, Enneagram Type Ones who faced hypercriticism, grow up to become hypercritical of themselves.
Enneagram Type 2: Self Sacrifice and People Pleasing
These children only experienced love if they were serving or satisfying others; their own needs seemed selfish. As a consequence, they tuned in to others’ needs and wants rather than their own. Love came to be described as the act of giving to others, even when the love was not always returned.
Twos aspire to be needed by others. In a child, this may manifest as The Two helping younger siblings with domestic chores or taking on parental tasks to make their lives smoother while also earning their family’s respect and admiration. They believe that by being responsible and nurturing, they can eventually win the love which most children accept as normal.
Enneagram Type 3: Worthlessness
To the heart of the matter – These children believed that they were only recognized for what they did and how well they did it. Their feelings were dismissed and neglected; all that mattered was their accomplishment and what was demanded of them. Their capacity to love themselves and others was impaired as a result of this. Genuine love was replaced with admiration.
Threes suffered with the pestering thought that their genuine selves were unworthy or unimportant. They secretly feared that if people realised who they truly were, they would be rejected or abandoned. So they attempted to look perfect, smile pleasantly, and obtain awards or honors to deflect attention from their true selves.
Enneagram Type 4: Abandonment Wound
Fours as children felt abandoned by their caregivers. They felt isolated from the source of affection for reasons they couldn’t comprehend. They didn’t feel “seen” or heard, and they didn’t feel like their parents. As a response, to deal with abandonment, they retreated inward to their feelings and fantasies.
Fours desire to discover their identities because they believe it will relieve them of the feelings of sadness that have afflicted them their entire lives.
Many Fours fantasise about encountering someone who will fully accept them for who they truly are. They aspire to find that bond in a friend or romantic relationship because they felt so estranged from their family as children.
Enneagram Type 5: Lack of Affection/ Intimacy
Caregivers did not provide meaningful engagement, feelings, or love to these children. Alternatively, the child may have had a prying, overbearing parent who made them feel judged and powerless in the face of this intrusion. As a response, they erected barriers around themselves and withdrew into their imaginations.
Fives shut themselves off from the outer world and their family. They would often lock themselves up in their rooms, searching for a topic or field of expertise that would allow them to find a niche in their families or society. This was a one-of-a-kind field of expertise for them.
Enneagram Type 6: Lack of Safety
Sixes were reared in an unstable environment with no safe haven. They had lost hope that they would ever be safe. As a result, they resorted to their own internal defence of denying reality and dismissing their own instincts/inner direction.
In order to receive approval from guardian figures, the Six ignored their own inner self. They believe that with enough help, they might be able to feel comfortable and self-sufficient. They feel cut off from their own inner wisdom and in an endeavour to discover their “tribe,” they can be cordial or confrontational. They are obsessed with determining the “best” plan of action.
Enneagram Type 7: Lack of Nurturance
These children were either deprived of nurturing or had been taken away too soon. They dealt with this lack by looking for ways to divert themselves from the anxiety and sorrow. They chose to focus on good possibilities and depend on themselves to achieve their goals and feel nurtured.
Sevens learnt to cope with this by focusing on “transitional items,” or toys and hobbies that would fill the void inside. They acquired the subliminal message that they needed to take care of themselves because no one else could. As a result, they’d seek for distractions, hobbies, opportunities, and things that would pique their interest and keep them occupied.
Enneagram Type 8: Lack of Vulnerability
These children frequently grew up in dangerous emotional or physical settings and had to mature far too quickly. They may have felt restrained since they didn’t feel secure to display any sensitivity. Because their vulnerability was utilised against them, they concentrated solely on increasing their toughness.
They are often bold and adventurous children, and as a consequence, they were routinely punished. They decide to adopt an air of indifference and dogged determination in order to protect their mind from these recurrent punishments. They will dwell in continual fear of rejection and abandonment if they had an abusive upbringing in some manner.
Enneagram Type 9: Neglect
To the very core of their being., these children felt worthless or “lost” because they were forgotten or neglected. They were neglected or assaulted for having needs or asserting themselves (particularly anger), so they chose to stay under the radar and concentrate on the needs and problems of others.
Imagine a child wearing headphones and playing games while their parents fought in this other room. They fantasise about happier times, attempt to block out their anxieties and fear, and divert their attention away from their own emotions.
Nines have a tough time distinguishing their own feelings from those of others since they are so attached to the people they love. Instead of creating their own distinct identity, they are given a sense of belonging by their parents. It’s as though they’ve been strangled inside their own bodies. They learn to become numb to pain, reject their emotions, and fade into obscurity.
If you’re facing this, it may be a good idea to seek the help of a therapist or other mental health professional. You can find a therapist at BetterHelp who can help you learn how to cope and address it.
Learn the wounding messages of each enneagram type and discover which one you have lived your life believing in.
Wounding messages are the thoughts that we have constantly playing in the back of our mind.
Each and every single person will develop a wounding message (sometimes called childhood wounds). We develop these very early on in childhood and they become an inner voice that keeps us from being free.
These (untrue!) wounding messages of each enneagram type are things that we either actually heard or things we perceived to be true as children.
A Note on Wounding Messages for Parents
Please realize that while wounding messages of each enneagram are usually derived from our parents or significant care givers, they may not have actually been inflicted by that adult.
Sometimes it is because the parent put that wound on their child but often times the parent didn’t do anything wrong and the child was just sensitive to that message and perceived it to be true.
You could be a 100% perfect parent and your child will still develop a wounding message.
Your goal is only to try to set them up for success and to help them see early on that those wounding messages are inaccurate.
Type 1’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 1, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to make mistakes.”
There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be wrong” or “It’s not ok to behave badly.”
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 1’s core desire and core fear.
For a 1 that core desire is to be good/right (aka no mistakes) and the core fear is being bad/wrong (making mistakes).
What type 1s long to hear is “You are good” (or you are good enough).
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 1 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Type 2’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 2, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to to have your own needs.”
There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be a burden” or “It’s not ok to put your needs first.”
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 2’s core desire and core fear.
For a 2 that core desire is to be loved/wanted/needed (for who they are, not how they help) and the core fear is being unloved/unwanted/not needed.
What type 2s long to hear is “You are wanted and loved for just being you.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 2 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Type 3’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 3, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to have your own feelings and identity.”
There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to fail” or “It’s not ok to not work hard.”
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 3’s core desire and core fear.
For a 3 that core desire is to be valued/admired/successful and the core fear is being not valued/not admired/unsuccessful. They believe that if they have their own feelings or identity they will not be valued/admired.
What type 3s long to hear is “You are loved and valued for simply being you” (the real you; not the mask you wear).
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 3 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Type 4’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 4, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be too much or not enough.”
There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to not fit in” or “It’s not ok to be so emotional.”
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 4’s core desire and core fear.
For a 4 that core desire is to be authentic/uniquely themselves/have their own unique identity (aka who they truly are) and the core fear is being inauthentic/not truly themselves/having not identity (fear having to blend in when that’s not who they are).
What type 4s long to hear is “You are seen and loved for who you are.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 4 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Type 5’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 5, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be comfortable in the world.”
There are other variations of this message such as “You don’t have enough energy/skills to make it here” or “It’s not ok to let your guard down because you won’t be able to handle things competently.”
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 5’s core desire and core fear.
For a 5 that core desire is to be competent/capable/knowledgable (finding a way to be comfortable in the world) and the core fear is being incompetent/incapable (fearing their needs being a problem for others).
What type 5s long to hear is “Your needs are not a problem.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 5 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Type 6’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 6, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to trust yourself.”
There are other variations of this message such as “You need to check in with others first” or “It’s not ok to rely on your gut.”
Special Note on 6’s:
6s are unique in that there are two ways a 6 will act out their wounding message (and core fear).
They will either be a phobic 6 in which they depend on authorities and trusted advisors (I can’t trust myself so I will trust in others) or they will be counterphobic and not trust those in authority or advising roles (I can’t trust myself so maybe it’s not actually scary and I should just get over my fear) (counterphobic 6s can look a bit like 8s)
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 6’s core desire and core fear.
For a 6 that core desire is to be secure/supported (their world can be scary since they can’t trust themselves) and the core fear is being without support/without security (without others, they fear they won’t be safe).
What type 6s long to hear is “You are safe and secure.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 6 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Type 7’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 7, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to depend on others for anything.”
There are other variations of this message such as “Nobody will take care of you” or “You need to do things for yourself.”
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 7’s core desire and core fear.
For a 7 that core desire is to be content/satisfied (not needing to depend on others) and the core fear is being deprived/trapped in emotional pain (fearing not being able to do/solve it for themselves).
What type 7s long to hear is “You will be taken care of.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 7 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Type 8’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 8, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.”
There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be weak” or “Don’t trust others, you’ll only get hurt.”
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 8’s core desire and core fear.
For a 8 that core desire is to be independent/autonomous/strong (no vulnerability) and the core fear is being controlled/harmed/manipulated (their vulnerability being broken).
What type 8s long to hear is “You will not be betrayed.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 8 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Type 9’s Wounding Message
For an enneagram 9, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to assert yourself.”
There are other variations of this message such as “The needs/feelings of others matters more than yours” or “It’s not ok to rock the boat.”
Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 9’s core desire and core fear.
For a 9 that core desire is to be at peace/harmonious/connected to others (nobody is upset with the 9’s needs/opinions) and the core fear is separations/loss of connection (conflict from asserting themselves).
What type 9s long to hear is “Your presence matters.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 9 to have a weight lifted off of them.
Understanding the wounding messages of each enneagram type can help you break free from your own internal believes and it can help you understand and love others better since you know they carry their own wounding message.
Our personality is shaped by our childhood experiences. Our personality also shapes how we perceive our childhood while we are a child, and what we remember about it as an adult. If that seems like a mindbender, let me explain.
It is likely that we are born with our personality preferences already in place. It’s tricky to verify but as any mother knows, children emerge into the world with very different personalities.
Now imagine for a moment you are a very young child, somewhere between 6 months to 2 years old. And let’s say, to keep things very simple, you have nine core needs you are subconsciously asking your parents to meet. Your parents are imperfect humans, unable to know exactly what you want and need at every moment. And so, every parent will fail to fulfill every one of their child’s needs. Each failure will be psychologically painful for you as a child.
However, of those nine, you are hypersensitive to one need in particular going unmet. And you will be more strongly shaped by events and experiences that trigger psychic pain around the need you are extra sensitive to.
That also means you remember those events more clearly. They leave a more lasting impact on your psyche; they are memories you are more likely to revisit and events you are more likely to reenact throughout your life.
Which means that when you talk to people of different Enneagram types and ask them to describe their childhood, some common patterns start to emerge. While every childhood is different, and some are far more traumatic than others, our inborn personality type shapes how we see and experience the childhood we have no matter how good or bad.
Here is a brief overview of common elements from each type’s childhood. While you might recognize elements of your own childhood in these descriptions, you might also realize that everyone carries around pain from their childhood, even if it’s not obvious to the people around them.
Enneagram One
The One child was required to take on too much responsibility too soon. They were pressured to do something “correctly” or “perfectly” before they were ready, either physically or psychologically. For example, potty training before they were ready, or having to be the family spokesperson.
The One learnt not to trust or rely on their natural instincts. Instead they found that “being good” was defined by an external authority who regularly informed them they were doing something “the right way.”
To avoid being criticized and seen as “bad”, the One child internalized that critical voice and used it to self-monitor their behavior. They discovered that being “faultless” earned them positive reassurance and acceptance.
Enneagram Two
The Two child realized early on that to stay connected to the people they loved, they had to choose between their own needs and the other person’s needs. And they chose the other person.
The Two child may have had to take care of a caregiver, or were simply told they needed too much. Their caregivers may have been inexperienced or overwhelmed, failing to provide some basic aspects of love and care. While this could include all sorts of basic needs, Twos generally report that it was the early emotional needs they missed the most, like the need to feel recognized and loved unconditionally.
Twos recall repeatedly hearing the message that they were “too much,” “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” This reinforced their sense that their needs were overwhelming for others, so they suppressed their own needs and emotions to be liked.
Instead, they became experts at sensing others’ needs and working out how to meet them. As they grow, they gain approval and affection by being likable and selectively supporting the people they most want to reciprocate love and support in return.
Enneagram Three
Some Threes had well-intentioned parents who praised them for their accomplishments, for what they ‘did’ rather than for who they are. Or they may have been part of a big family and did not receive the attention they needed. So they started performing, finding ways to stand out and get noticed, such as being the family comedian or opera singer.
Some Threes simply lacked parental support and protection. For example, if their father, or father figure, was absent, the Type Three child may have felt the need to step in and fill the gap left by that protective presence.
One way or another, the Three child learns that the path to love and appreciation is through doing and action. And so they become superhuman doers, achieving whatever goals they set for themselves and being impressive in the eyes of others.
Enneagram Four
All children are sensitive to loss. Yet when the Four child experiences actual or perceived loss of love early in life, they blame themselves for it.
It might be that another sibling came along, or another life event simply made the parent less available or completely unavailable. The Four child made sense of this abandonment or deprivation by convincing themselves they somehow caused this. By claiming this loss for themselves, it gave the Four child a way to control the situation.
While rarely true, having a sense of control allows the Four child to believe they can regain what was lost. Hence they strive to prove themselves worthy of love, showing people how special they are, all the while truly believing in their own inadequacy.
Enneagram Five
For whatever reason, the Five’s caregiver was somehow not responsive to their needs. And the Five child felt neglected. Not getting enough of what they needed led them to be self-sufficient, learning to get by on less by retreating into their heads and protecting their meager resources.
Other Fives experienced a sense of invasion or intrusion. Often, they had to deal with other people’s emotional drama or relationships that were too intense. They learnt to withdraw, either emotionally or physically, by detaching from feelings and people.
Fives sought refuge in the private space of their intellect, after they realized that they could not get their needs met through force or seduction. When relationships feel like a threat to their safety, retreating into their intellect seems like the only way to protect themselves.
Enneagram Six
The Six child had a problem with authority, and was often left feeling unprotected by the very person who was meant to protect them. The caregiver may have been unpredictable, unreliable or undependable. For a long time life seemed dangerous on a daily basis, and so the Six concluded the world must be that way too.
An unpredictable caregiver might be an alcoholic, be violent, or have mental health challenges. Or, the Six child may have been raised by a parent who was overly strict with constantly shifting expectations or illogical punishments. Given the unpredictable nature of their environment, the Six child learnt to be constantly on the lookout for small cues that signaled the presence of danger or threat.
They became very skilled at anticipating what was going to happen next so they could be prepared for danger or challenges. Being able to predict when something scary or bad might happen was their way of staying safe and gave the Six child an inner sense of security.
Enneagram Seven
The Seven adult may remember their childhood as being quite rosy, fun or idyllic. But that’s how they want to remember it.
Many Sevens report an event in childhood that shook them out of their playful reverie; where they realized how ill-equipped to face the challenges of life they really were. And so they withdrew to an earlier stage of development where they felt more secure and in control.
For Sevens, this experience of safety comes in the form of positivity. They aim to only feel positive feelings and reframe any negatives in a good light. They focus on whatever feels good to avoid suffering – whether from pain, negative feelings or any other dark experience.
Enneagram Eight
The Eight child had to grow up fast. To them, home was a battleground, where conflict or combat were necessary to survive. Perhaps because of violence, neglect or simply being the youngest or smallest child in a big family, the Eight child saw the need to adopt a tough persona. Whether that was to be stronger, more powerful or protective of others, they let go of their innocence to get by in a world that did not provide love, care or protection to the weak.
The Eight child saw the world as divided into the weak and the strong, and vowed never to be powerless, vulnerable or alone ever again.
Enneagram Nine
The Nine child felt overlooked, not heard or not included. They may have been a middle or younger child and unable to get the attention they needed. Or a quiet voice whose opinion got lost in a sea of loud or forceful voices.
So they learnt to go along to get along, finding ways to blend in and avoid getting upset by wanting what others wanted. They learned to remain calm when what they wanted was dismissed, and simply allowed others to decide for them.
They became the easy going, friendly child who would accommodate the needs of the family, as a way to feel a sense of belonging or connectedness.
Summary
Here the Enneagram teaches us two things. One, that very few of us escape childhood without wounds that need healing. And two, that we need to have a lot of compassion for ourselves and others as we navigate life unconsciously reacting to the pain of childhood we all carry with us.
SAMANTHA MACKAY
Samantha Mackay is a certified Enneagram and leadership development coach who believes work should be energizing, not draining. She combines the Enneagram with her experience of recovering from burnout twice to help leaders and teams thrive during stressful times. Connect with Samantha at www.samanthamackay.com
I was 24 years old when I walked into a bookstore in Los Gatos, California and bought my first book about the Enneagram. I had never heard of the personality system, but the symbol on the cover intrigued me.
The timing could not have been better. Just months before, I learned that my live-in boyfriend was stealing money from me. The Florida vacation, the fancy dinners, and the expensive gifts were all being funded by money heisted from my own bank account.
I may have stumbled across the Enneagram by accident, but it became the best tool to help me understand what had happened. This ancient personality system is like the Rosetta Stone of human nature. It gave me a context and translation for what was otherwise mystifying behavior.
Why would a person steal from his girlfriend to take her on a vacation? The Enneagram offered an explanation.
What is the Enneagram and where does it come from?
The Enneagram is a system of human personality that helps to explain why people behave the way they do. It suggests that your experience in life is dictated largely by where your attention goes. The system is complex, but in its simplest terms, it outlines nine distinct habits of attention and how they influence behavior.
The information the Enneagram offered me was tremendously valuable, but as I learned more, I became curious about its roots. Who invented it? Where did it come from?
I quickly discovered that – it’s complicated. The origins of the Enneagram can’t be summarized in a sentence or two. To learn the history of the Enneagram, you enter a world of sacred geometry, esoteric mystery schools, ancient Greece, and Sufi wisdom.
To unravel the mystery of the Enneagram, I needed a guide, so I spoke with Enneagram educator Stephanie Davis.
Davis has been working with the system for over 30 years. She’s been certified with Helen Palmer/David Daniels, Eli Jaxon-Bear, and Tom Condon, and she’s trained with Russ Hudson and Don Riso. If you don’t recognize those names, don’t worry – it’s enough to know that they’re a veritable ‘who’s who’ of the Enneagram community.
But perhaps most intriguing, Davis was a member of one of Claudio Naranjo’s Seekers After Truth (SAT) groups. These groups were the starting point from which the Enneagram leaked out to become available to a larger audience.
Davis got right to the point. “There are many layers in understanding the Enneagram. There is the symbol as a geometric shape – a circle, a triangle, and a hexad which is derived through sacred geometry, probably dating back to the Greek philosopher Pythagoras. But that’s just the symbol. No one was using the word “Enneagram” at that time.”
“In the 1900s, the Russian philosopher Gurdieff is the first person we know of who discussed movement and flow as part of the shape. It is not clear where he got this information, but we know he traveled extensively and studied in esoteric schools in the East. The symbol of the Enneagram is described as a schematic of perpetual motion, and I think of this as the ‘process Enneagram’.”
The Enneagram symbol – a universal map for any journey
If you’re familiar with Enneagram, you probably understand it as a personality assessment, much like the Myers and Briggs personality system or the Big Five. But aside from the nine types, there’s wisdom coming from the geometry and flow within the Enneagram symbol itself.
So much wisdom, in fact, that P.D. Oespensky, a Gurdieff scholar and author of In Search of the Miraculous declared that all knowledge can be included in the Enneagram. “For the man who is able to make use of it, the Enneagram makes books and libraries entirely unnecessary,” he wrote.
Davis offers a clearer explanation. “What he meant was that the Enneagram is a process map that you can lay different topics onto, and if you get the correct placement and flow of information on the symbol, you can have complete knowledge of the body of information. It’s profound when you really think about it.”
In other words, the Enneagram is both a noun and a verb. It’s a universal methodology you can apply to almost any body of knowledge.
When Enneagram met human psychology
What happened next is fascinating. Bolivian-born spiritual teacher Oscar Ichazo was introduced to Gurdieff’s concepts, including the dynamic Enneagram, in the 1950s. He studied with a diverse group who brought their knowledge of Zen Buddhism, Kabbalah and other Eastern philosophies to the Enneagram.
Independently, Ichazo had studied Sufism, Tibetan Buddhism, and Zoroastrianism, and may also have been influenced by early Christian teachings. His knowledge base was vast.
“It was Ichazo who decided to lay the topic of human psychology onto the process map of the Enneagram,” Davis explains. “He developed the “Enneagram of Personality” which is what most of us think of when we hear the word ‘Enneagram.’”
“However, he didn’t focus on personality profiles as much as passions, virtues, and ego development. And it is important to remember that the use of Enneagram was just a small part of what Ichazo was teaching in his Arica school in Chile.”
Putting meat on the Enneagram’s bones
From the deserts of the Far East to the hills of Chile, the roots of the Enneagram were already proving to be deep and expansive.
Our next stop is the San Francisco Bay Area, where Ichazo’s student Claudio Naranjo taught as early as the 1970s. Davis was a member of one of his subsequent SAT groups, so I was eager to hear about her experience with him.
“Those SAT groups were intense! Naranjo didn’t teach the Enneagram directly–he never said “here’s an Enneagram seminar.” He used the Enneagram as a tool for his broader teachings. He would break us into type groups a lot and use the system that way as we mined our shadow side and things like that.
Naranjo, a trained psychiatrist, learned about the Enneagram from Ichazo.
“He put meat on the bones of the framework. If Ichazo is the father of the Enneagram, Naranjo is the mother. Ichazo planted the seed and Naranjo birthed, if you will, the psychological descriptions of the nine types. Based on his own training, his influences, and his experience, he fleshed out the nine personality styles and then the 27 subtype descriptions,” Davis explains.
From here, I knew the story well, as it is part of Enneagram lore. Naranjo’s small, exclusive SAT groups from the 1970s, much like the one Stephanie was in later, were supposed to keep the information secret.
But the secret leaked out, and more and more people began learning about the Enneagram – but the paths went in a few different directions.
Different lineages, same landing place
One place the Enneagram went is to the Jesuit community. Robert Ochs, a Jesuit, learned about the Enneagram from Ichazo and Naranjo’s work. He spread the information and, by the late 1980s, the Enneagram had become entrenched within the Jesuit community. Don Riso, a Jesuit seminarian, got the bare-bones notes and spent years in independent research and study, exploring how to apply the skeleton frame to more practical applications.
In 1987, Riso published a book, Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery. This is the first of many books he authored on the Enneagram – and the book I picked up in the Los Gatos bookstore.
A year later, in 1988, Helen Palmer, an intuition teacher studying the work of Naranjo, published The Enneagram: Understanding Yourself and Others in Your Life. Palmer’s work is part of the ‘Narrative Tradition’ lineage of the Enneagram. Davis explains what that means. “Helen applied Naranjo’s concepts to the narrative style she used in her intuition training to develop a more narrative-focused Enneagram. This was based on people sharing their experience to illustrate their Enneagram type.”
Impressively, while both the Jesuit lineage and the Narrative Tradition lineage had different development paths, they landed in much the same place when it came to describing a high-level overview of the nine personality types.
Enneagram in the 21st century
In 2013, Beatrice Chestnut wrote the highly influential book The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge. This book uses the teachings of Naranjo and gives us the first published descriptions, in detail, of the 27 subtype personality profiles.
I asked Chestnut about what inspired her to write The Complete Enneagram.
“I never set out to study the subtypes, but in 2004 when Claudio Naranjo presented on the topic at the International Enneagram Conference, I was really surprised by the way he described the 27 personality profiles. He added so much more detail and information to what I had heard described before.”
“Naranjo and his associates at that conference helped me see that I was a self-preservation Type 2, which I never knew before. This was tremendously useful information – it was like I got a whole new angle into my own mind. When I learned my subtype, I went on a mission to learn everything I could about Naranjo’s approach. I wanted everyone to have access to this subtype teaching because it helped me so much. I’m a researcher, so I pointed my analytical skills at finding and analyzing every piece of information I could find that Naranjo had said or written about the subtypes. This was the basis for my book.”
In the end, what did the Enneagram teach me about my boyfriend?
It turns out, many things. As I studied the system, I learned about wings, arrows, subtypes and more. Eventually I found the Enneagram levels of development, the high and low side of each of the nine habits of attention. During this study, I found my boyfriend.
He was likely a very unhealthy Type 3 Achiever, obsessively focused on image and playing a role. He wanted to look like the “perfect boyfriend”: someone who would buy his girlfriend a Dalmatian puppy, take her to Disney World and treat her to nice dinners. The fact he didn’t have the money to do that became part of the web of deceit that unhealthy Type 3s can build.
The Enneagram offered me a path to healing, as it has for many others. Perhaps this is why the fact there is no clear answer to where the Enneagram came from has never bothered me.
What’s more exciting is the future. As Helen Palmer wrote in the foreword to Ginger Lapid-Bogda’s book Bringing Out the Best in Yourself at Work, “The Enneagram is arguably the oldest human development system on the planet, and like all authentic maps of consciousness, it finds new life in the conceptual world of each succeeding generation.”
Its roots may be mysterious, but the Enneagram seems to have its moment for every generation. And that means we can look forward to many new spins on this fascinating – and ancient – personality system.
Now you know the roots of this fascinating personality system, why not try it out for yourself? Take the Enneagram test here to discover your type in minutes, and gain valuable insights for life.
LYNN ROULO
Lynn Roulo is an Enneagram instructor and Kundalini Yoga teacher who teaches a unique combination of the two systems, combining the physical benefits of Kundalini Yoga with the psychological growth tools of the Enneagram. She has written two books combining the two systems. Headstart for Happiness, her first book is an introduction to the systems. The Nine Keys, her second book, focuses on the two systems in intimate relationships. Learn more about Lynn and her work here at LynnRoulo.com.