Personality Style NINE: The Peaceful Person
Core Value Tendency: NINES are attracted to and value peace, harmony, and unity. They desire to make the world an ecumenical, harmonious, conflict-free place to live in. They like being peaceful, calm, and ordered and prefer to go with the flow. The universe is unfolding as it should and they see no need to push the river since it’s flowing fine by itself. Being at one with yourself and your surroundings is what life is all about.
Adaptive Cognitive Schema: The objective vision that keeps NINES aligned with their true nature and with reality is the realization of their unity with the universe and their functioning according to the same laws that govern everyone else. This gives them their sense of peace, harmony, integration, and oneness with all reality. They further believe that the laws of the universe are warm and loving (vs cold and indifferent) since they have given birth to organic, living, warm creatures. Teleology is built right into the laws of the cosmos. There is a value and meaning, a purpose and direction that is manifest in all that is.
Adaptive Emotional Schema: The state that accompanies the NINES’ objective paradigm is action, love wishing to pass itself on. Action flows naturally from a sense of gratitude for being loved, from the recognition that one is capable of loving, and from the desire to do something in return. Action arises when individuals want to actualize and transcend themselves by connecting with other people and with the Source of the universe.
Adaptive Behavioral Schemas: Behavior that flows from a realization of being loved and loving, responding gratefully, and appreciating harmony, includes the abilities to reconcile opposites, find agreement, be diplomatic and allowing, and have an intuitive sense for when things fit together. NINES are easy going, calm, reassuring, non-pretentious, and relaxedly focused.
Maladaptive Cognitive Schema: When NINES exaggerate their peaceful qualities, they over-identify with the idealized self image of I am settled. To compensate for a maladaptive belief that they are not important enough to be cared about or don’t matter enough to be listened to, and to keep themselves from feeling neglected, NINES develop an attitude of resignation: “What’s the big deal? Why get upset? Nothing is that important. We’re not around that long anyway. Whatever we do will be undone eventually so why exert so much effort?” NINES settle in for the duration and go on automatic pilot. They neglect what is most important to them and fidget with distractions.
Maladaptive Emotional Schema: Along with the disposition to neglect what is essential, NINES experience the passion of indolence. They turn down their energy, settle into a comfortable routine, procrastinate, diffuse their attention, and don’t take care of business.
Maladaptive Behavioral Schema: Perceiving the world as neglectful and indifferent, and feeling indolent about what matters most to them, NINES merge with the identities and agendas of others and forget about their own goals and desires. They lose themselves in the opinions, feelings, and aims of others. What others are thinking and pursuing become more compelling than what they want. Postponing decisions and actions, NINES let their life take its course or let life happen to them. They become inattentive and fall asleep to their deepest desires.
What is Avoided: Because they are trying to be settled, NINES avoid any kind of conflict. They don’t allow themselves to get too enthusiastic about anything important. They avoid differences and highlight sameness and agreement. It’s difficult enough for NINES to locate their own ideas, feelings, and ambitions, let alone to assert them and act on them. NINES avoid focusing, discriminating, and prioritizing. If everything is the same, it’s difficult to make a decision. At the same time any decision they make has equal merit or weight.
Defensive Maneuvers: NINES ward off conflictual impulses and situations by numbing themselves and those around them. This is called narcoticization. When NINES say it doesn’t matter, they are also implying they don’t matter and you don’t matter. One way to avoid disappointment is to lower or eliminate your expectations. Nothing can hurt you if you don’t let anything matter or get to you.
Childhood Development: NINES were the non-noticed children. They sensed their caretakers didn’t pay enough attention to them, had other more important things to do, or, perhaps, didn’t love them or care about them. Just as their caretakers neglected them, so NINES learned to neglect themselves. Instead of expressing themselves, they distracted themselves. Instead of feeling the pain of not being sufficiently cared for, they resigned themselves for the duration, numbed out, learned to not let things get to them, and assumed a laissez – faire attitude. NINES were the not noticed children.
Non-Resourceful State: When NINES are under stress, they become more resigned, more shut down, more asleep, and avoid their issues even more. They put off doing what needs to be done, engage themselves with inconsequential activities, daydream or sleep more. If that doesn’t work, they may become obsessive and compulsive about the work they’re doing. They may become overly responsible, dutiful, scrupulous, fearful, ruminative, and worrying. They doubt themselves and seek the affirmation of some outside authority.
Resourceful State: When NINES are in a resourceful relaxed state, they focus and differentiate instead of distracting themselves or merging and becoming confluent. They stay awake and are aware. They are prompt and act decisively. They don’t put off until tomorrow what they can do today. They express their own opinion, feeling, preference. They believe they are loved and cared for and start caring for themselves. They think of themselves as being successful, professional, efficient, and competent. They believe they do matter and their actions in the world make a difference. Unblocking their feelings, they let their own energy flow into action instead of living off of others’ energy. They assume an active stance, allowing their love to pass itself on through action. I am therefore I matter replaces I don’t matter, so what’s the big deal?
