Learning Not to Let Emotions Rule

Confession time.

When I was seven or eight years old, my mom opened the door to our basement stairs and found me sitting on the top step. It’s unclear how long I’d been there, but it had been awhile. I was hunched over an old tape recorder, listening to Jim Croce’s “I’ll Have to Say ‘I Love You’ in a Song.”

Alone. On repeat. In the dark.

I’m pretty sure when I was seven I didn’t know any actual girls. Even if I did it was maybe a bit early in life to musically drop the L word. But I remember liking how that song made me feel—heavy, deep, full on the inside. I was in another world, one inside me that felt bigger and more colorful than real life, as if someone had hooked an electric wire to my soul and hit the juice.

My parents didn’t know about the Enneagram back in 1989. If they had, it would have been pretty clear to them what was up: I was a Four.

The Sad-Happy Deep Life of an Enneagram Four

Enneagram Fours are often called “the Individualist” type, or “the Romantic.” They see themselves as special, owners of vivid and expressive emotional lives, and are often unusually attracted to (and skilled in) the arts. Fours feel like they were born missing something inside them that makes them fundamentally different from other people. As a result, Fours cultivate a self-image rooted in being different, hoping that people will notice their individuality and affirm them. The quintessential movie Four is John Cusack’s character in Say Anything.

When healthy, Fours are creative, honest, empathetic, passionate, and authentic. When unhealthy, they can be overly sensitive, self-pitying, emotionally self-destructive, and prone to envy. Regardless of health, almost all Fours nurse moody streaks and are unusually attracted to the bittersweetness of life. Their flagship quote could be this bit of dialogue from Doctor Who: “What’s good about sad?” “It’s happy, for deep people.”

Feeling Like an Outsider

Two experiences seem to be common to all Fours: (1) the sense of being a misunderstood outsider, of not really belonging anywhere, and (2) deep shame at their perceived insignificance.

The first experience, in particular, is in many ways the root of the Fours’ primary sin, which is envy. I’ve often battled the sense of being “out of place” wherever I’ve been. For most of my childhood and early adult years, I felt like my nose was pressed against the glass of life, watching confident, secure, at-ease peers who really had this life thing nailed in a way I didn’t. Surely they didn’t feel the way I did, I thought, and I wondered what they had inside that I was missing.

Example: I remember coming home from fifth grade and telling my parents that “everyone in my class hates me.” This, despite these objective facts: one of my best neighborhood buddies was also in my class, I was doing alarmingly steady business in birthday party attendance, and when I won the school geography bee a classmate hand-drew me a little first-place medallion. Like a lot of Fours, my perceptions about if I belong or fit in somewhere are often wildly, almost comically, distorted.

This comparison game always, inevitably, leads to envy. C. S. Lewis has a famous essay where he talks about the dangers of “the inner ring”—exclusive social circles to which one hungers to belong. Fours are adept at seeing inner rings—both real and imaginary—everywhere in life, and you can guess which side of the line they think they’re on.

Finding Joy and Freedom as a Four

Reading this, you might get a picture of us Fours as constantly tortured artists, forever paddling our rowboats out in the rain to journal and listen to Dashboard Confessional. Luckily, that’s not the whole story. Far from being a constant sad-sack, I’m usually a pretty happy guy. But like most Fours, I’ve also had to learn that my emotions aren’t the seat of reality. Creativity doesn’t have to come from a storm of emotion to be genuine. In fact, my feelings are sometimes the least authentic, most temporary part of who I am.

I also don’t have to luxuriate in angst just because the emotional weight makes me feel significant, like that old Jim Croce song did once upon a time. God has, in fact, already told me I’m significant and important to him all throughout Scripture. That’s an objective fact, not a subjective reality. As my identity in Christ has strengthened over the years, God has graciously short-circuited those emotional doom loops that shout otherwise. When we are set free by the gospel and growing in the Spirit, life as a Four is rich with real joy. God has turned envy of what’s missing into celebration of what God has given- the artistry of his creation, for example, or God’s craftsmanship in shaping each individual life (even my own!). This ability to celebrate instead of resent frees me to do what I was created to do: “glorify God, and enjoy him forever” (Westminster Catechism).

Because of this, I’m at home in my interior in a way that other Enneagram types might find enviable, and maybe even a little exciting—like a harbor where the wind always blows just perfectly for sailing. When I joke that, like the TARDIS (a second Doctor Who reference!), I’m bigger on the inside, there’s something deeply satisfying about knowing how true that really is.

The Beauty Fours Bring

So what place do we Fours have in the body of Christ, where he has made Christians to fit together perfectly? In its fullness, the Christian life is a perfect balance between external and internal, between the outer life of obedience to Christ and the inner life of being transformed by Christ. Fours like me, inveterate chroniclers of our soul’s every twitch and spasm, have a high comfort level with the latter idea. By example we call our fellow believers into an experience of God’s kingdom that includes both their interior and exterior selves. A church or community with healthy Fours will never lack for reminders that personal transformation is a core part of God’s work among us.

Likewise, groups with healthy Fours will never lack encouragers and listeners. Having ruthlessly catalogued our own soul’s sludginess, very little about another person’s inner experience can shock a healthy Four. They know that God’s grace washes every part of them, even (especially!) the shadowy and shameful parts. This emotional honesty opens up spaces of compassion where fellow Christians can unmask themselves and share burdens in safety.

Perhaps the best part about being a Four is knowing that beauty is an essential part of the Christian story. Christianity—God, Jesus, the cross, the whole shebang—isn’t just historically true or propositionally true, although it is those things. It’s also beautiful. It’s aesthetically true.

Our God is one whose steadfast love never quits, whose mercy for sinners never fails, whose justice over evil always triumphs, and whose future redemption will make all things new forever. The entire redemption narrative uplifts the downtrodden and marginalized. It gives us a savior God who was born in a stable and crucified like a criminal for people who hate him. The story, this God, is so much bigger, so much fuller, so much lovelier, than its alternatives. You don’t have to be an Enneagram Four to see that—but I must admit, it might help.

Drew Larson

Drew Larson works as a writer on InterVarsity’s Communications Team in Madison, Wisconsin. You can buy his new book here (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09V21MXDF) or support his ministry at donate.intervarsity.org/donate#15790.

28 JULY 2022 / BY CIANNA GARRISON

The Enneagram 4 is the most individualistic of the nine Enneagram types, and because of this, the Type 4 places a lot of emphasis on identity. But aside from their desire to stay unique, there are plenty of other signs you could be an Enneagram 4—even if you haven’t taken the official test yet!

Whether you’re familiar with the Enneagram system or new to personality type theory, these tell-tale signs you’re an Enneagram 4 will resonate with those uncertain about where they fit in the Enneagram personality theory.

1. You place a lot of importance on your unique talents

The Enneagram 4 is all about being unique, so carving out a place for themselves in the world is of the utmost importance to them. If you feel focused on what makes you unique above all other things about you, you may be an Enneagram 4.

2. Enneagram 4s feel existentially different from others

As a result of feeling different from others, the Enneagram Type 4 emphasizes creating a unique persona and standing out from the crowd. They fear they’re somewhat flawed and lack what it takes to experience happiness as others do. By amplifying their differences and unique traits, Type 4s hope to feel more appreciated and loved.

3. You connect with art and nature

Although many personality types find art and nature appealing, Enneagram 4s are moved by works of art and the great outdoors. Type 4s are notorious champions of poetry, art, literature, and philosophies that put humanity and nature in close company.

4. Your feelings rule you

Although an Enneagram 4 may be logical when needed, often, their feelings lead to their actions and decisions. In fact, others accuse them of being moody. Like how the 16-type system’s Feelers behave, a Type 4 will go with their heart over their head in most cases.

5. You’re ultra-sensitive

If your feelings rule your decisions, it’s an easy assumption to say you may also be a highly sensitive person (HSP). HSPs make up about 30 thirty of the population and are sensitive to emotions, stimuli, light, and sound and are overwhelmed by the world around them. Even if a Type 4 isn’t an HSP, a high level of sensitivity is paramount to their personality. You’re also very self-critical.

6. Notions of ‘normalcy’ turn you off

If being called normal makes you cringe, you’re probably an Enneagram 4! Type 4s pride themselves on their unique, quirky traits, and they feel gutted if someone accuses them of being ordinary.

7. You’re okay being vulnerable and authentic

One of the key traits of the Enneagram 4 is a love of authenticity and creating their truth. Because of this, type fours disdain people who are inauthentic and fake and strive to be the most vulnerable, truthful person they can be. On a side note, that doesn’t mean that an Enneagram 4 will allow themselves to expose vulnerable emotions on the regular. It just means they prefer to be as truthful and honest as possible.

8. You prefer deep conversations and emotions

In line with Type 4’s love of authenticity, these Enneagram personalities prefer to get down to the nitty-gritty of topics and skip the small talk. Small talk and what they deem “fake” conversations make them uncomfortable. Type 4s prefer to dig deep into how people feel and get to the truth of the matters, no matter how painful.

9. You’re okay with mood swings and melancholy

Mood swings and melancholy feelings are nothing new for Enneagram 4s. Because they strive to connect with their inner emotions, they see the beauty in sadness and other “negative” emotions that different types try hard to avoid. Instead of avoidance, a Type 4 will place these raw emotions into their art or works or inspiration.

10. You’re uncomfortable in social settings

The Enneagram 4 is uncomfortable in social settings because they feel misunderstood or lonesome. While their friends or acquaintances are talking, Type 4s often go into their heads, disappearing from all cognizant conversation, trying to grapple with why they feel so out of place. This emotion stems back to their fear of being flawed, as though everyone around them is content, while they will never reach this level of contentment.

11. You’re creative

Creativity is like a specific food group to an Enneagram 4. This personality type strives to nurture and expand their creative faculties however feasible, and they won’t stop at anything to make sure their unique skills stand out from the crowd. Because Enneagram 4s are all about staying unique, they often groom their talents and abilities until they are, indeed, an asset to their personal and professional lives.

14. You romanticize relationships and life events

If you’re a Type 4, you’re a romantic person who compares your life to books and films. This isn’t to say you’re illogical or unrealistic – that’s the opposite. Enneagram Type 4s are romantic because they expect and hope for a fairytale partnership and effortless friendships. They realize their dreams are not achievable. While they see their expectations are too high, this often makes them feel disillusioned with the realities of life.

15. You feel like you’re missing the key ingredient for happiness

Despite how content an Enneagram 4 becomes, they still feel “empty,” as though they lack a significant piece of themselves that would lead them to happiness. This feeling leaves the Enneagram Type 4 motivated to express their individuality to be accepted.

16. Withdrawing from others is commonplace

If you’re moody and prone to withdrawal, you may be an Enneagram 4. These types will often hole themselves up to discover their feelings and hash them out in private through art, writing, or other forms of expression. For example, if a Type 4 feels best when sewing or designing, they’ll abandon all social expectations and devote themselves to those tasks for a few days without offering explanations. The Type 4 will also withdraw from others when under a lot of stress.

17. You’re self-aware

Although other Enneagram types are also self-aware, the Type 4 is one of the most self-examining. They spend hours, days, and weeks dissecting actions and behaviors to understand themselves better. Because of their devotion to these habits and their general talent for insightfulness, Enneagram 4s are attuned to their emotions, motivations, and crutches — and will explain it to their loved ones if they feel the need to divulge their past actions.

18. You get jealous or envious when you’re unhappy

A sad reality is that of an Enneagram 4: they will feel unhappy until they learn to make their own happiness. Type 4s feel unable to achieve satisfaction on their own, so they seek and search through their unique traits and talents. Whether a 4’s skills bring them joy will vary from person to person, but a healthy Type 4 will no longer be jealous or envious of others.

In the meantime, a key trait for average or unhealthy Type 4s is to feel envious of others whom they deem as “happy” or “fulfilled” because they feel they’re always searching for that happiness and fulfillment.

19. You’re compassionate and caring

People accuse Individualists of being self-centered, thanks to their concern for their “uniqueness” and “happiness.” However, the Type 4 is one of the most genuine types of the Enneagram, who understand and empathize with a whole spectrum of emotions. Because of their understanding, they can be the most caring personality type to add to a friend list.

20. You’re often lost in your head

When Type 4s seem withdrawn and aloof, they’re lost in their thoughts. These emotionally-charged types are not strangers to disappearing into their heads, content to explore the creative and subconscious possibilities of art, human understanding, and more. Because Enneagram 4s aren’t afraid of losing themselves inside their minds, others might assume they’re spacey or ditzy because they fade in and out of conversations in favor of their inner world.

The takeaway

You may be an Enneagram Type 4 if you identify with several of the Type 4 traits above. As unique individuals, Enneagram 4s emphasize staying authentic, avoiding “false” narratives, and being self-aware. Emotional and okay with being vulnerable (sometimes), Type 4s don’t mind showcasing their weaknesses and honoring their strengths in art and other creative outlets. If this sounds like you, you might be an Enneagram Type 4. But since many personality types may experience an overlap of particular characteristics, you may want to make sure you’re a specific type by taking the free Enneagram test if you haven’t done so already.

Cianna Garrison

Cianna Garrison holds a B.A. in English from Arizona State University and works as a freelance writer. She fell in love with psychology and personality type theory back in 2011. Since then, she has enjoyed continually learning about the 16 personality types. As an INFJ, she lives for the creative arts, and even when she isn’t working, she’s probably still writing.

Tag: Enneagram 4

Reflections from an Enneagram Four