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Enneagram Childhood Wounds

Posted on by DrToni

Enneagram Childhood Wounds (A 3-point guide)

 By PsychReel

: 07/10/2024

In this article, we will look at the childhood wounds of eatch enneagram type. This article also explores the covert messages each enneagram type received which influenced their personality.

Here are the Childhood Wounds of each Enneagram type:

  • Enneagram Type 1: Hypercriticism
  • Enneagram Type 2: People Pleasing and Self Sacrifice
  • Enneagram Type 3: Worthlessness
  • Enneagram Type 4: Abandonment Wound
  • Enneagram Type 5: Lack of Affection/ Intimacy
  • Enneagram Type 6: Lack of Safety
  • Enneagram Type 7: Lack of Nurturance
  • Enneagram Type 8: Lack of Vulnerability
  • Enneagram Type 9: Neglect

Enneagram Type 1: Hypercriticism

Enneagram One as children felt harshly criticized, punished, or inadequate. It’s possible that the household rules were incongruent. As a result, they grew preoccupied with being perfect and avoided making mistakes in order to escape being judged. “You should always strive to be better than you really are,” was the main theme.

Ones felt estranged from the protective figure in their lives as kids. Based on the circumstances of their house, this may have been the mother or the father. This can indicate that the parent they expected to be powerful and protective was instead hostile and abusive. It could also indicate that the parent was preoccupied, unreasonable, strict, or overly demanding.

In this way, Enneagram Type Ones who faced hypercriticism, grow up to become hypercritical of themselves.

Enneagram Type 2: Self Sacrifice and People Pleasing

These children only experienced love if they were serving or satisfying others; their own needs seemed selfish. As a consequence, they tuned in to others’ needs and wants rather than their own. Love came to be described as the act of giving to others, even when the love was not always returned.

Twos aspire to be needed by others. In a child, this may manifest as The Two helping younger siblings with domestic chores or taking on parental tasks to make their lives smoother while also earning their family’s respect and admiration. They believe that by being responsible and nurturing, they can eventually win the love which most children accept as normal.

Enneagram Type 3: Worthlessness

To the heart of the matter – These children believed that they were only recognized for what they did and how well they did it. Their feelings were dismissed and neglected; all that mattered was their accomplishment and what was demanded of them. Their capacity to love themselves and others was impaired as a result of this. Genuine love was replaced with admiration.

Threes suffered with the pestering thought that their genuine selves were unworthy or unimportant. They secretly feared that if people realised who they truly were, they would be rejected or abandoned. So they attempted to look perfect, smile pleasantly, and obtain awards or honors to deflect attention from their true selves.

Enneagram Type 4: Abandonment Wound

Fours as children felt abandoned by their caregivers. They felt isolated from the source of affection for reasons they couldn’t comprehend. They didn’t feel “seen” or heard, and they didn’t feel like their parents. As a response, to deal with abandonment, they retreated inward to their feelings and fantasies.

Fours desire to discover their identities because they believe it will relieve them of the feelings of sadness that have afflicted them their entire lives.

Many Fours fantasise about encountering someone who will fully accept them for who they truly are. They aspire to find that bond in a friend or romantic relationship because they felt so estranged from their family as children.

Enneagram Type 5: Lack of Affection/ Intimacy

Caregivers did not provide meaningful engagement, feelings, or love to these children. Alternatively, the child may have had a prying, overbearing parent who made them feel judged and powerless in the face of this intrusion. As a response, they erected barriers around themselves and withdrew into their imaginations.

Fives shut themselves off from the outer world and their family. They would often lock themselves up in their rooms, searching for a topic or field of expertise that would allow them to find a niche in their families or society. This was a one-of-a-kind field of expertise for them.

Enneagram Type 6: Lack of Safety

Sixes were reared in an unstable environment with no safe haven. They had lost hope that they would ever be safe. As a result, they resorted to their own internal defence of denying reality and dismissing their own instincts/inner direction.

In order to receive approval from guardian figures, the Six ignored their own inner self. They believe that with enough help, they might be able to feel comfortable and self-sufficient. They feel cut off from their own inner wisdom and in an endeavour to discover their “tribe,” they can be cordial or confrontational. They are obsessed with determining the “best” plan of action.

Enneagram Type 7: Lack of Nurturance

These children were either deprived of nurturing or had been taken away too soon. They dealt with this lack by looking for ways to divert themselves from the anxiety and sorrow. They chose to focus on good possibilities and depend on themselves to achieve their goals and feel nurtured.

Sevens learnt to cope with this by focusing on “transitional items,” or toys and hobbies that would fill the void inside. They acquired the subliminal message that they needed to take care of themselves because no one else could. As a result, they’d seek for distractions, hobbies, opportunities, and things that would pique their interest and keep them occupied.

Enneagram Type 8: Lack of Vulnerability

These children frequently grew up in dangerous emotional or physical settings and had to mature far too quickly. They may have felt restrained since they didn’t feel secure to display any sensitivity. Because their vulnerability was utilised against them, they concentrated solely on increasing their toughness.

They are often bold and adventurous children, and as a consequence, they were routinely punished. They decide to adopt an air of indifference and dogged determination in order to protect their mind from these recurrent punishments. They will dwell in continual fear of rejection and abandonment if they had an abusive upbringing in some manner.

Enneagram Type 9: Neglect

To the very core of their being., these children felt worthless or “lost” because they were forgotten or neglected. They were neglected or assaulted for having needs or asserting themselves (particularly anger), so they chose to stay under the radar and concentrate on the needs and problems of others.

Imagine a child wearing headphones and playing games while their parents fought in this other room. They fantasise about happier times, attempt to block out their anxieties and fear, and divert their attention away from their own emotions.

Nines have a tough time distinguishing their own feelings from those of others since they are so attached to the people they love. Instead of creating their own distinct identity, they are given a sense of belonging by their parents. It’s as though they’ve been strangled inside their own bodies. They learn to become numb to pain, reject their emotions, and fade into obscurity.

If you’re facing this, it may be a good idea to seek the help of a therapist or other mental health professional. You can find a therapist at BetterHelp who can help you learn how to cope and address it.

 

Wounding Messages of Each Enneagram Type

Posted on by DrToni

by 

Wounding Messages of Each Enneagram Type

Learn the wounding messages of each enneagram type and discover which one you have lived your life believing in.

Wounding messages are the thoughts that we have constantly playing in the back of our mind.

Each and every single person will develop a wounding message (sometimes called childhood wounds). We develop these very early on in childhood and they become an inner voice that keeps us from being free.

These (untrue!) wounding messages of each enneagram type are things that we either actually heard or things we perceived to be true as children.

A Note on Wounding Messages for Parents
Please realize that while wounding messages of each enneagram are usually derived from our parents or significant care givers, they may not have actually been inflicted by that adult.

Sometimes it is because the parent put that wound on their child but often times the parent didn’t do anything wrong and the child was just sensitive to that message and perceived it to be true.

You could be a 100% perfect parent and your child will still develop a wounding message.

Your goal is only to try to set them up for success and to help them see early on that those wounding messages are inaccurate.

"it's not ok to make mistakes"

Type 1’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 1, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to make mistakes.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be wrong” or “It’s not ok to behave badly.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 1’s core desire and core fear.

For a 1 that core desire is to be good/right (aka no mistakes) and the core fear is being bad/wrong (making mistakes).

What type 1s long to hear is “You are good” (or you are good enough).
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 1 to have a weight lifted off of them.

"it's not ok to have your own needs" - Wounding Messages of Each Enneagram Type

Type 2’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 2, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to to have your own needs.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be a burden” or “It’s not ok to put your needs first.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 2’s core desire and core fear.

For a 2 that core desire is to be loved/wanted/needed (for who they are, not how they help) and the core fear is being unloved/unwanted/not needed.

What type 2s long to hear is “You are wanted and loved for just being you.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 2 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Type 3’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 3, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to have your own feelings and identity.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to fail” or “It’s not ok to not work hard.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 3’s core desire and core fear.

For a 3 that core desire is to be valued/admired/successful and the core fear is being not valued/not admired/unsuccessful. They believe that if they have their own feelings or identity they will not be valued/admired.

What type 3s long to hear is “You are loved and valued for simply being you” (the real you; not the mask you wear).
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 3 to have a weight lifted off of them.

"it's not ok to be too much or not enough" - Wounding Messages of Each Enneagram Type

Type 4’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 4, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be too much or not enough.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to not fit in” or “It’s not ok to be so emotional.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 4’s core desire and core fear.

For a 4 that core desire is to be authentic/uniquely themselves/have their own unique identity (aka who they truly are) and the core fear is being inauthentic/not truly themselves/having not identity (fear having to blend in when that’s not who they are).

What type 4s long to hear is “You are seen and loved for who you are.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 4 to have a weight lifted off of them.

"it's not ok to be comfortable in the world"

Type 5’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 5, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be comfortable in the world.”

There are other variations of this message such as “You don’t have enough energy/skills to make it here” or “It’s not ok to let your guard down because you won’t be able to handle things competently.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 5’s core desire and core fear.

For a 5 that core desire is to be competent/capable/knowledgable (finding a way to be comfortable in the world) and the core fear is being incompetent/incapable (fearing their needs being a problem for others).

What type 5s long to hear is “Your needs are not a problem.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 5 to have a weight lifted off of them.

"it's not ok to trust yourself" - Wounding Messages of Each Enneagram Type

Type 6’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 6, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to trust yourself.”

There are other variations of this message such as “You need to check in with others first” or “It’s not ok to rely on your gut.”

Special Note on 6’s:
6s are unique in that there are two ways a 6 will act out their wounding message (and core fear).
They will either be a phobic 6 in which they depend on authorities and trusted advisors (I can’t trust myself so I will trust in others) or they will be counterphobic and not trust those in authority or advising roles (I can’t trust myself so maybe it’s not actually scary and I should just get over my fear) (counterphobic 6s can look a bit like 8s)

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 6’s core desire and core fear.

For a 6 that core desire is to be secure/supported (their world can be scary since they can’t trust themselves) and the core fear is being without support/without security (without others, they fear they won’t be safe).

What type 6s long to hear is “You are safe and secure.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 6 to have a weight lifted off of them.

"it's not ok to depend on others for anything" wounding message of each enneagram type

Type 7’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 7, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to depend on others for anything.”

There are other variations of this message such as “Nobody will take care of you” or “You need to do things for yourself.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 7’s core desire and core fear.

For a 7 that core desire is to be content/satisfied (not needing to depend on others) and the core fear is being deprived/trapped in emotional pain (fearing not being able to do/solve it for themselves).

What type 7s long to hear is “You will be taken care of.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 7 to have a weight lifted off of them.

"it's not ok to be vulnerable" wounding message 8

Type 8’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 8, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.”

There are other variations of this message such as “It’s not ok to be weak” or “Don’t trust others, you’ll only get hurt.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 8’s core desire and core fear.

For a 8 that core desire is to be independent/autonomous/strong (no vulnerability) and the core fear is being controlled/harmed/manipulated (their vulnerability being broken).

What type 8s long to hear is “You will not be betrayed.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 8 to have a weight lifted off of them.

"it's not ok to assert yourself"

Type 9’s Wounding Message

For an enneagram 9, their wounding message is “It’s not ok to assert yourself.”

There are other variations of this message such as “The needs/feelings of others matters more than yours” or “It’s not ok to rock the boat.”

Once you realize this wounding message, it’s easy to see how that has ingrained the type 9’s core desire and core fear.

For a 9 that core desire is to be at peace/harmonious/connected to others (nobody is upset with the 9’s needs/opinions) and the core fear is separations/loss of connection (conflict from asserting themselves).

What type 9s long to hear is “Your presence matters.”
Hearing this and understanding this allows the 9 to have a weight lifted off of them.

Understanding the wounding messages of each enneagram type can help you break free from your own internal believes and it can help you understand and love others better since you know they carry their own wounding message.

 

Uncovering Your Common Childhood Wounds by Enneagram Type

Posted on by DrToni

Our personality is shaped by our childhood experiences. Our personality also shapes how we perceive our childhood while we are a child, and what we remember about it as an adult. If that seems like a mindbender, let me explain.

It is likely that we are born with our personality preferences already in place. It’s tricky to verify but as any mother knows, children emerge into the world with very different personalities.

Now imagine for a moment you are a very young child, somewhere between 6 months to 2 years old. And let’s say, to keep things very simple, you have nine core needs you are subconsciously asking your parents to meet. Your parents are imperfect humans, unable to know exactly what you want and need at every moment. And so, every parent will fail to fulfill every one of their child’s needs. Each failure will be psychologically painful for you as a child.

However, of those nine, you are hypersensitive to one need in particular going unmet. And you will be more strongly shaped by events and experiences that trigger psychic pain around the need you are extra sensitive to.

That also means you remember those events more clearly. They leave a more lasting impact on your psyche; they are memories you are more likely to revisit and events you are more likely to reenact throughout your life.

Which means that when you talk to people of different Enneagram types and ask them to describe their childhood, some common patterns start to emerge. While every childhood is different, and some are far more traumatic than others, our inborn personality type shapes how we see and experience the childhood we have no matter how good or bad.

Here is a brief overview of common elements from each type’s childhood. While you might recognize elements of your own childhood in these descriptions, you might also realize that everyone carries around pain from their childhood, even if it’s not obvious to the people around them.

Enneagram One

The One child was required to take on too much responsibility too soon. They were pressured to do something “correctly” or “perfectly” before they were ready, either physically or psychologically. For example, potty training before they were ready, or having to be the family spokesperson.

The One learnt not to trust or rely on their natural instincts. Instead they found that “being good” was defined by an external authority who regularly informed them they were doing something “the right way.”

To avoid being criticized and seen as “bad”, the One child internalized that critical voice and used it to self-monitor their behavior. They discovered that being “faultless” earned them positive reassurance and acceptance.

Enneagram Two

The Two child realized early on that to stay connected to the people they loved, they had to choose between their own needs and the other person’s needs. And they chose the other person.

The Two child may have had to take care of a caregiver, or were simply told they needed too much. Their caregivers may have been inexperienced or overwhelmed, failing to provide some basic aspects of love and care. While this could include all sorts of basic needs, Twos generally report that it was the early emotional needs they missed the most, like the need to feel recognized and loved unconditionally.

Twos recall repeatedly hearing the message that they were “too much,” “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” This reinforced their sense that their needs were overwhelming for others, so they suppressed their own needs and emotions to be liked.

Instead, they became experts at sensing others’ needs and working out how to meet them. As they grow, they gain approval and affection by being likable and selectively supporting the people they most want to reciprocate love and support in return.

Enneagram Three

Some Threes had well-intentioned parents who praised them for their accomplishments, for what they ‘did’ rather than for who they are.  Or they may have been part of a big family and did not receive the attention they needed. So they started performing, finding ways to stand out and get noticed, such as being the family comedian or opera singer.

Some Threes simply lacked parental support and protection. For example, if their father, or father figure, was absent, the Type Three child may have felt the need to step in and fill the gap left by that protective presence.

One way or another, the Three child learns that the path to love and appreciation is through doing and action. And so they become superhuman doers, achieving whatever goals they set for themselves and being impressive in the eyes of others.

Enneagram Four

All children are sensitive to loss. Yet when the Four child experiences actual or perceived loss of love early in life, they blame themselves for it.

It might be that another sibling came along, or another life event simply made the parent less available or completely unavailable. The Four child made sense of this abandonment or deprivation by convincing themselves they somehow caused this. By claiming this loss for themselves, it gave the Four child a way to control the situation.

While rarely true, having a sense of control allows the Four child to believe they can regain what was lost. Hence they strive to prove themselves worthy of love, showing people how special they are, all the while truly believing in their own inadequacy.

Enneagram Five

For whatever reason, the Five’s caregiver was somehow not responsive to their needs. And the Five child felt neglected. Not getting enough of what they needed led them to be self-sufficient, learning to get by on less by retreating into their heads and protecting their meager resources.

Other Fives experienced a sense of invasion or intrusion. Often, they had to deal with other people’s emotional drama or relationships that were too intense. They learnt to withdraw, either emotionally or physically, by detaching from feelings and people.

Fives sought refuge in the private space of their intellect, after they realized that they could not get their needs met through force or seduction. When relationships feel like a threat to their safety, retreating into their intellect seems like the only way to protect themselves.

Enneagram Six

The Six child had a problem with authority, and was often left feeling unprotected by the very person who was meant to protect them.  The caregiver may have been unpredictable, unreliable or undependable. For a long time life seemed dangerous on a daily basis, and so the Six concluded the world must be that way too.

An unpredictable caregiver might be an alcoholic, be violent, or have mental health challenges. Or, the Six child may have been raised by a parent who was overly strict with constantly shifting expectations or illogical punishments. Given the unpredictable nature of their environment, the Six child learnt to be constantly on the lookout for small cues that signaled the presence of danger or threat.

They became very skilled at anticipating what was going to happen next so they could be prepared for danger or challenges. Being able to predict when something scary or bad might happen was their way of staying safe and gave the Six child an inner sense of security.

Enneagram Seven

The Seven adult may remember their childhood as being quite rosy, fun or idyllic. But that’s how they want to remember it.

Many Sevens report an event in childhood that shook them out of their playful reverie; where they realized how ill-equipped to face the challenges of life they really were. And so they withdrew to an earlier stage of development where they felt more secure and in control.

For Sevens, this experience of safety comes in the form of positivity. They aim to only feel positive feelings and reframe any negatives in a good light.  They focus on whatever feels good to avoid suffering – whether from pain, negative feelings or any other dark experience.

Enneagram Eight

The Eight child had to grow up fast. To them, home was a battleground, where conflict or combat were necessary to survive. Perhaps because of violence, neglect or simply being the youngest or smallest child in a big family, the Eight child saw the need to adopt a tough persona.  Whether that was to be stronger, more powerful or protective of others, they let go of their innocence to get by in a world that did not provide love, care or protection to the weak.

The Eight child saw the world as divided into the weak and the strong, and vowed never to be powerless, vulnerable or alone ever again.

Enneagram Nine

The Nine child felt overlooked, not heard or not included. They may have been a middle or younger child and unable to get the attention they needed. Or a quiet voice whose opinion got lost in a sea of loud or forceful voices.

So they learnt to go along to get along, finding ways to blend in and avoid getting upset by wanting what others wanted. They learned to remain calm when what they wanted was dismissed, and simply allowed others to decide for them.

They became the easy going, friendly child who would accommodate the needs of the family, as a way to feel a sense of belonging or connectedness.

Summary

Here the Enneagram teaches us two things. One, that very few of us escape childhood without wounds that need healing. And two, that we need to have a lot of compassion for ourselves and others as we navigate life unconsciously reacting to the pain of childhood we all carry with us.

SAMANTHA MACKAY

Samantha Mackay is a certified Enneagram and leadership development coach who believes work should be energizing, not draining. She combines the Enneagram with her experience of recovering from burnout twice to help leaders and teams thrive during stressful times. Connect with Samantha at www.samanthamackay.com

Childhood Messages

Posted on by DrToni

What You Needed to Hear As a Child, Based On Your Enneagram Type

BySusan Storm
 ·  ·  ·  ·  ·  ·  ·  ·  · 

According to Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, authors of “The Wisdom of the Enneagram,” there is an unconscious childhood message each of us received growing up. For some, the message was to trust others but not yourself. For others, the message was not to assert yourself or “get in the way.” These unconscious messages have a significant influence on how you cope with life, relate to others, and present yourself to the world. The message you desperately wished to hear is what we’ll be exploring today. How do you think your life would have panned out differently if you’d gotten this message?

Does this mean your parents were “bad”?

Parenting is hard work. It’s impossible to be perfect. Unless you are extraordinarily evolved and never slip up at all, chances are you’ll deliver some unconscious message to your child. I’m a parent of five children, so believe me, I’m not judging any parents here by creating this article. For some children, being taught to put others before yourself could have given them the impression that their needs didn’t matter. For other children, being taught to tone themselves down might have given them the idea that they should fade into the background. Children are sensitive beings, and sometimes the messages they receive during childhood were never intended to be given in the first place. But it happens nonetheless. So parents, if you’re reading this, don’t fall into a cycle of despair and rumination. We do the best we can do. As long as your child knew they were loved and you did your best, that’s the most important thing.

Not sure what your enneagram type is? Take our new personality questionnaire here!

The Childhood Message You Needed to Hear, Based On Your Enneagram Type

Enneagram 1 – “It’s okay to make mistakes”
Also: “You are good”

As a One, you strived to be perfect to prove to yourself and others that you had integrity. You worked hard to be reliable, responsible, and mature. You wouldn’t be the one who shirked their duties or turned in shoddy homework. You’d be the child your parents could be proud of and lean on if life got hard.

While you have so many admirable qualities, the unconscious message you received was that it was not okay to make mistakes. You absorbed the idea that perfection was the goal, not learning or growing at your own pace. Because of this, you would beat yourself up over your perceived failures or the failures of others. You’ve become fixated on details that might be wrong or imperfect. You might exhaust yourself aiming for a standard of perfection that is unattainable.

So dear One, take a moment to breathe deeply. Take a moment to recognize that nobody can be perfect and that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth. Find joy in the journey of your life instead of always trying to climb to a higher standard of perfection.

Find out more about your type here: The Enneagram Type One – The Perfectionist

Enneagram 2 – “It’s okay to have your own needs”
Also: “You are wanted for who you are”

As a Two, you learned early on that you gained the approval you craved by putting others first. You loved the way your parents would light up when you did something to help them or gave them a gift. You learned to navigate the social world adeptly and recognize the kinds of compliments that made people beam with happiness. While many of your qualities are admirable, you have a tendency to work yourself to a stage of burnout. Putting others first all the time can mean that you build up resentment and exhaustion inside yourself. It can also mean that you struggle to set healthy boundaries.

So beloved Two, take a moment to think about your life right now. Are you sabotaging your needs? Are you resentful of people but failing to tell them what you want from them? Vulnerability is hard work, and it can feel scary, but it is so worth it in the long run. Your needs matter. It’s okay to ask for things – in fact, it’s good to ask for what you need. It’s also healthy to practice saying no and setting up boundaries that allow you to take care of yourself better.

Enneagram 3 – “It’s okay to have your own feelings and identity”
Also: “You are loved for yourself”

As a Three, you got the message early on that your achievements were what gave you value. Even if your parents loved you for who you were, you really saw them light up when you made the grade, got a trophy, styled your hair perfectly, or otherwise showed that you were a success.  Because of this, you started gathering symbols of success to prove your worth. And as much as you’d like to believe you’re achievements have given you security, you still worry that without them you’d be nothing. Achievement becomes a way that you offset painful feelings. As a result, you chase after benchmarks and successes as a way to drown out your pain.

So dear Three, take a moment to quiet your mind and get in touch with yourself. “Ugh,”  you might be thinking, “who has time for that?” Keep in mind that you might have been running away from painful feelings for so long that facing them can be overwhelming. In order to experience them without feeling like you’re drowning, try to take some time to just gently meditate. Listen to a song you love. Practice deep breathing. When you find yourself chasing a goal, stop and ask yourself what you might be running away from. Another important part of growing is being able to open up to someone that you trust. Do you have a friend you could really talk to and be vulnerable with without feeling like you’ll be betrayed? Confide in them. Practice being authentic with someone you value.

Enneagram 4 – “It’s okay to be happy and functional”
Also: “I see you for who you are”

As a Four, you experienced a deep sense of abandonment early in life. It could have been unintentional – perhaps another sibling was born, and your closest parent had to devote a lot of time to them. Maybe it was more apparent – a parent died, or there was a divorce, and you lost the closeness of a parent. This abandonment gave you the sense that you shouldn’t ever get too excited about anything – that you should never expect great things. This combined with your sense of “differentness,”  made you feel misunderstood, melancholy, and unseen for your true self.

So to the Four reading this, I want to encourage you to see all the ways you are affirmed and loved. Look at what’s real, rather than what’s imagined. Notice the friends and family members who are there for you. Reach out to them and acknowledge what they mean to you. On top of that, set up positive, creative routines for yourself. End your day by writing down five things yo grateful for. Start your day by repeating an affirming quote (there are plenty online). Take a walk in nature regularly while listening to calming or joyful music. Infusing your life with these positive routines will help spark joy inside you that you can learn to depend on.

Read This Next: Seven Struggles of the Enneagram Four Type

Enneagram 5 – “It’s okay to be comfortable in the world”
Also: “Your needs are not a problem.”

As a young Five, you got the unconscious message that the outer world either (A) didn’t accept you as one of their own, or (B) would completely overwhelm you. This could have happened because you weren’t nurtured in the way you craved, nobody understood you in a way that felt authentic, you were neglected, you had an overbearing parent or some other reason. Because you felt that you had no place in the family system, you learned to become ambivalent towards the world outside. You went inwards and connected with your thoughts, trying to detach from your feelings and intellectualize things rather than feel them. Keeping people at arm’s length is a way that you guard yourself against getting too comfortable and possibly getting overwhelmed or hurt.

Five, you are someone with tremendous value and originality. Your thoughts and ideas matter. Don’t withdraw so excessively from the outside world that you don’t have a chance to gain true companionship and real-world experience. Get in touch with your body through yoga, martial arts, walking in nature, or swimming. When you feel vulnerable or afraid, remember that you matter to people and that it’s okay to reach out to others for help. It may seem easier to isolate and detach, but it can actually cause you great harm in the future. Think of a family member, friend, or co-worker who you could reach out to. If you trust them, chances are they’ll appreciate you reaching out to them.

Enneagram Six – “It’s okay to trust yourself”
Also: “You are safe.”

As a young Six, you learned that you were supposed to count on others to guide you, but you also realized that others would let you down. Authorities seemed at times comforting, and at other times insufficient. Sometimes you feared being overwhelmed by an authority. You might have been told to trust an institution or religion and not your own heart or head. You might have had a parent you trusted who would suddenly get angry and startled you with aggression you weren’t expecting. There are many different ways you could have gotten this message.

Everyone has been let down by their parents in some way, even if the parents have done their very best. As a young Six, you got the message that you had to look outside yourself for guidance, nurturance, and closeness. At the same time, you felt like you had to guard yourself from this because you didn’t want to be overwhelmed, betrayed, or controlled. You seem to get stuck in cycles of craving guidance and authority and then fighting against guidance and authority. Deep down, you struggle to trust your own instincts and you look for authorities or “experts” to guide you. You also worry about all that could go wrong and can get lost in the hubbub of competing voices and worries in your mind.

Dear Six, you have so much more wisdom and insight than you realize. But it’s so hard for you to quiet the chaos of doubts in your mind and really listen to your heart. You can get so lost in catastrophizing that you fail to see the beauty of life all around you. Learn to quiet your mind and tune into your heart. Lots of competing voices might be trying to get you to worry, but try to silence them. Set aside quiet time for yourself  – take walks outside, meditate, journal, or pray. Connect with your inner voice and try to calm the “inner committee” that wants to whisper doubts and suspicions into your mind.

Read This Next: Seven Struggles of the Enneagram Six Type

Enneagram Seven – “It’s okay to depend on others”
Also: “You will be taken care of.”

As a Seven, you learned that people, particularly your nurturing parent, could be fickle and that you had to find an escape from pain by looking to “substitutes” and distractions. Parents of the Seven may not have meant to be fickle or disconnected – perhaps another child was born who required a lot of attention, perhaps the nurturing figure had to work long hours. There are many reasons, often unintentional, that children get these unconscious messages. Either way, the young Seven looked for distractions, games, or activities that could tone down the inner pain they felt inside. They learned to depend on activities and objects to nurture them instead of people. Only through a great deal of maturity do they let go of this unconscious belief.

Dear Seven, you bring so much enthusiasm, creativity, and energy into the world. I can’t imagine how dull this planet would be without you. Take some time to get in touch with your heart today – don’t look for a distraction, even if you feel bored. Meditate, quiet your soul, and don’t try to distract yourself with ideas of other experiences. You won’t want to sit still for this long period of time – your mind will try to pull you out of it. But let yourself rest with the discomfort. What thoughts come to your mind? Notice how much mental chatter you’ve been stifling in your search for distractions. Try to relax and breathe deeply. You can start small and do this for just a few minutes, but try to increase that time as the days go on. What ideas and revelations come to you during this time?

Enneagram Eight – “It’s okay to be vulnerable and to trust others”
Also: “You will not be betrayed.”

As a young Eight, you learned that you had to be the tough, decisive, strong one in the family. You may have had a parent who depended on you, a missing parent, or some other situation that made you feel like you couldn’t show weakness, vulnerability, or ineptitude. You developed an “every man for himself” kind of attitude and felt that you had to fight to survive. Because of this, you struggle to be vulnerable – especially when you’re at a lower level of maturity. It’s also difficult for you to feel out of control or under the authority of others. In careers, this can show up as you wanting to be your own boss or taking on independent work.

Dear Eight, it’s so tempting to hide under a tough outer shell and never share your grief or vulnerabilities. But it can be a problem when it destroys relationships or you inevitably distrust people and keep them at arm’s length. Find people you’ve developed a higher level of trust with (I know. Trust is hard), and talk to them about the things that really matter to you. Share your deeper feelings. I know it sounds cringy and scary at first. But as you do it, you’ll feel the burdens you’ve been carrying around get lighter. You’ll also realize that your friends appreciate it when you reach out to them. It makes them feel valued and they are able to be a better friend because they know you more intimately. As you do this, you’ll learn the value of friendship and intimacy and you’ll also learn how to be a better friend yourself.

Enneagram Nine – “It’s okay to stand up for yourself.”
Also: “Your presence matters”

As a young Nine, you got the impression that life would be better if you didn’t assert yourself. This could have happened during times when there was tension at home and you repressed the pain by imagining something pleasant in your mind. It could have happened when you noticed that life got easier if you didn’t ask for things or get angry and show it. Many children are told to “calm down” or “stop whining” and, while it’s inevitable to hear that at some point as a child, you took it especially to heart. As a result, you struggle to state your needs, express your anger, or fully reveal your true self. If you’re at a higher level of maturity you may have learned the importance and value of healthy anger and have practiced asserting your needs. But you still wish you’d realized this as a young child and had the opportunity to be more present with yourself and more kind to your inner wishes.

Dear Nine, you are one of the most open-minded, accepting Enneagram types. People know that they can be themselves around you without feeling judged or criticized. But how about turning some of that compassion and open-mindedness towards yourself? Take some time to tap into your inner feelings – good and bad. Anger isn’t always something to repress and distract yourself from – it can be a sign that you need to stand up for yourself and set a healthy boundary. It’s okay to assert yourself. It will do great damage to numb yourself to your true feelings and identity. Practice meditation, journaling, or quiet self-reflection. Practice saying exactly what you want when someone asks for your preference on something (for example, stating where you want to eat when your partner asks you).

Read This Next: Seven Struggles of the Enneagram Nine Type

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